If We Notice Mariah Carey Will She Finally Go Away?

Did you catch the coverage on the news last weekend?  Hopefully you did not blink an eye because somewhere between an intimate wedding across the pond and word of a low-key sea-side funeral, history was made; two babies were born.

In the event you may have missed it, here is the glorious news in a nutshell.  Feel free to tweet your congratulations to the happy family.  It is my hope that after they feel their adoring fans approval in adding their two children (certain to grow up in their likeness and who will surely be every bit like the narcissistic weirdoes their parents are) to the world, they will finally go away.

The unnamed (proud father promises us they won’t be craaazzzy enough to name their kids “Carburetor or something like that”…while I’m sure they reserve the right to use all of their creativity chops in the eventual spelling of the names) cherubs of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon sprung from Mimi’s loins on their Third Wedding Anniversary (what are the chances?)

The pop star and that coattail-riding husband of hers have kept the pending birth very “low key” (stop smiling, people will start to wonder what you are reading).  In fact they revealed that they “were in the family way” with a world exclusive to Billy Bush over at Access Hollywood.  When was that, you might ask? 

Oh, boy, it seems like only two or three years ago.  Following “months” of speculation, Mariah was reluctant to share her secret that was about to be broadcast on the Today Show in late October of 2010.

Thanks to a growingbellyass, an addition of a few chins, and a partner who couldn’t keep his mouth shut with a clamp, poor Mariah felt had to either spill the beans or be forced to (gasp) stay out of the limelight.  She claimed in the interview she waited “so long” for the big reveal because she wanted to (finish whatever you might be drinking before you continue to read–please)…

Finished?  Okay.  She avoided the big announcement for eight long weeks because wanted to “keep a ‘shred’ of privacy”.  Yeah, because that is the one thing we all know about Mariah Carey.  She is all about the “privacy”.

Another “exclusive” was offered in “outing” her discovery that the world would be blessed with not one Carey/Cannon Conception but two, during Mimi’s Christmas Performance at the White House.  Sure to be included in the presidential memoirs is the exact story, first-hand, of Mariah breaking the big news to the Leader of the Free World and the First Lady.

Another perk that goes along with living on Pennsylvania Avenue, I guess.

Over the long winter, and even longer second and third trimester (I swear this is the longest pregnancy I have ever endured with the exception of my own, of course), we were treated to snippets of the pending arrival thanks to Carey and the nervous dad’s tweets.

Mariah kept herself busy on “bed rest” by offering magazines exclusives of the nursery.  What a creative gal!  Confirmation of creativity came in the form of her bored, busy self offering exclusives to her various belly bump paintings.

On March 27th, word of a “pregnancy scare” via premature contractions was “leaked”.  Amazingly enough, the 27th also coincided with a big day for MiMi.  Mariah herself tweeted the breaking news of her “scare” via Twitter…”They almost came on 3/27- happy anniversary in deed!!! We have a few more weeks 2 go but- wow!!!: ) #soreadyallready!”

Most people say Happy Birthday~apparently Mariah likes to refer to it as Happy Anniversary.  Why even try to question greatness.

For the next few weeks Nervous Nick continued to tweet utter nonsense (everything from their home phone number to potential sex of the darlings) regarding the baby watch to the world via his Twitter Account (the fact he has thousands of followers and I have only nine continues to amaze @lifelikeiseeit ~ no pressure, of course).

On Easter Sunday the very pregnant Mariah tweeted pictures of her Easter Egg Bump…a few days later Nick appeared as a ‘guest host’ on ‘The Talk’ (again, how the hell does he land these gigs~I can’t believe just being attached to Mariah’s hip can possibly qualify, if it did her spanx would have a standing invite to sit upon a stool), Cannon went on the record saying, “I’m not trying to be a psychic, but we renew our vows every year so … It’s probably going to be in the hospital this year. I can feel it”.

On April 29, Nick tweeted that his lady-love appeared ready to pop.  With the bag packed, the Rev. booked, and naked picture of Nick, Mimi, and the bump taken and released to the public all the world was waiting for was the imminent arrival.

And, as luck would have the two miracles made their debut on the third anniversary of the marriage no odds-maker in Vegas believed would last more than three months.

Cannon must have either had to turn in his electronic devices as collateral when being issued a gown for the delivery room or the Blackberry was confiscated upon discovery he did not power down when requested after he tweeted,  “My wife just gave me the most incredible anniversary gift ever in life, I won’t ever be able to top this!”

After that tweet all info came via Carey’s representative, Cyndi Berger.

Berger confirmed the spawn were born.  She clarified that the happy couple arrived in the wrong department (nervous Nick couldn’t read the signs–yeah, definitely nerves) after he drove his wife to hospital in the new Rolls Royce Phantom Nick recently “purchased” for Mariah for her anniversary.

Upon being directed to the maternity department Mariah prepared to bless the world with the precious gift of her children as Nick plugged in the boom box.  Following the arrival of the babies they all sat together and listened to Mariah’s Number One Hit “We Belong Together” (nobody is arguing with that~who else would want these knuckleheads?).

Some time Sunday evening (not sure when as Nick’s announcement must have gotten overshadowed in the explosion of tweets in Twitterland apparently someone died in Pakistan) Al Sharpton arrived at the undisclosed hospital.

Rev. Al performed Nick and Mimi’s annual Vow Renewal and then prayed with the (I can only imagine, the already very gifted) twin Carey/Cannons.

As of today, we still are clueless to the pending names of the offspring or the exact day of hospital springing.   Her assistant does not offer any information with the exception that the coincidence that the twins and her anniversary (the marriage anniversary, not the birthday variety), was unfounded. 

Berger assures Carey’s fans that “even Mariah couldn’t plan that.”.  Nor could she plan the longest pregnancy in history would somehow be sandwiched between a wedding in London and an unexpected funeral in the Arabian Sea.  Now, that co-inky-dink makes me giggle. 

I remain assured Mariah and Nick will treat the children’s introduction to their adoring Earthly fans with the same amount of discretion as they afforded the pregnancy.  I’m sure they have offered first pictures to the highest bidder and will disclose the what is sure to be amusing spelling of the monikers through a Billy Bush/Access Hollywood Exclusive.

 I pray for an upcoming calendar of more weddings and funerals sure to over shaddow what is sure to be a “tweet filled” year of Carey/Cannon Kids’ firsts.  First burps, poops, teeth, crawls, teeterings, totterings, steps, and of course the First Anniversary/Fourth Annual Vow Renewal courtesy of Reverend Al. 

Oh Yay!!  Motherhood has a way of making us take a backseat to our children.  Mariah remains in my prayers as she experiences this first-hand…what a tough lesson for a celebrity…Can I go out on a limb and predict a tweet announcing her certain bout with “postpartum” in the next few weeks?  Is she not the perfect candidate for the diagnosis?

I sit here and roll my eyes just imagining the Mother’s Day Tweet Cannon is probably working on now…how does one thank the mother of his children in 140 characters or less?  Ah, crap, I’m still floored he can string together a simple sentence by himself.

Good Luck to the happy parents…they are going to have plenty of tweeting material now…enjoy 🙂


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