Hey, Governor Quinn: I need a J-O-B...and you clearly need a speech writer...

Hey, Governor Quinn: I need a J-O-B...and you clearly need a speech writer...


Oh, Governor, Governor, Governor…it’s your first “official” day on the job that the “peeeeple” of Illinois elected you to (this time) but, may I be so bold as to make a suggestion?  You need help, buddy…big time.

I tuned in today to see you get sworn in and hear your “big inaugural speech”.  And, while I came away speechless…I was definitely thinking several things;  none of them were good unless you consider how I felt when it was finally over.  Oh, darlin’, you need a speech writer–reciting quotes is not going to cut it.  You’ve got a full-four-year-term ahead. 

Darn you, Governor, I used to love that Jackie O quote about mucking up motherhood…that was until today when you butchered the life out of it.

We already had a guy who liked to quote…I really don’t have to tell you where he is now or where he’s probably headed, do I?  But, just for fun, lets call a spade a spade~ he pulled out the big guns when it came to quoting…Tennyson and Kipling to name a couple of the better ones.  You sounded today as if you wrote that speech while sitting in Karen Lewis’ office thumbing though a “teacher’s quote book”…the “in a hundred years” b.s. regarding people who won’t care what kinda car you drove, what was in your bank account crap…that’s what mothers like me bedazzle on a pillow for our kids’ favorite teacher at Christmastime. 

Face it, you’re not going to be anymore important to the life of a child than that clown you replaced~and like him, if you’re really, really honest with yourself, you’ll admit you really don’t give a flying fig about these kids–you just know it sounds good…kinda like when you were quoting and referencing MLK–that sounded good and appeased another block of voters.  And another thing, if I were you, I’d stop with the references to what kind of car you drive and the balances of your bank account.  Trust me, if your term ends in trial like your two predecessors, people are going to care, a lot.

I have to say I also disagreed with the part in the speech where you deviated from the quotes and started talking all “willie-nillie”.  Having a job is not anyone’s right nor anything any of us are entitled to–unless you have a job at the DMV, Post Office, IDES or any other government paid entry-level position.  I’ve considered heading to one of these offices with my resume–but it would probably be a waste of my time.  From the experience I’ve had dealing with most of the clowns behind the counters at these places, my sense of entitlement and size of the chip on my shoulder are not nearly big enough for me to qualify.

Let’s move on to the job interview, shall we?  I like to write…take pride in spelling/grammar…and have a keen sense of the obvious.  Now, I’ll admit, I sway a bit right.  So, you’ll have to tell me what you want to say…I’m not exactly “with it” when it comes to a Democratic view.  But, I’ll tell you this…I’m willing to learn…and that says a whole bunch about a person when it comes to a government employee.  God knows I won’t have any competition in this area should I be hired.  That is okay with me.

Now, if you insist on quoting quotes, I’ve got some doozies for you:  “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” ~ Will Rogers…or how about this one…”We have no desire to make anyone look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do” ~ Stephen Colbert…or “There is nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot” ~ Scott Adams.  If you want to use quotes, we’re going to have to start with quotes like these …imagine for a minute the response from the crowd as you utter those words…I trust from your sigh, you’re not interested in quoting anymore?  Good!  I thought you might see things my way.

Not sure if you read my blog on a regular basis–please don’t be embarrassed–with the exception of my facebook friends and a few family members, no one else is either~apparently if they were I’d be getting paid for this gig, which I’m not, hence the reason for my job application.  If you read yesterday’s entry, you’d know my youngest kid is not real excited about my current career as a “housewife”.  He’s jonesing to get me out and about hauling in a paycheck from a “real job”.  Being your speech writer seems to be a perfect fit.

I’m not looking to become a millionaire…I’m not a greedy gal.  I’d be happy to clear a cool five hundred clams a week.  A two-thousand-dollar-a-month cushion would pad our nest egg well.  Our car, Betsy will be paid off in May–you know what that means–once she’s paid off it’ll be all downhill from there.  We’ll also have a new driver in our house come March.  We’re looking to add another car to our fleet–and that takes cash-ola.  Maybe nobody will care what kind of car you drove in a hundred years…but trust me, my brats will care what type we’re driving come June.

My oldest is headed to college in two years and he’s got high hopes on some big name schools…can’t do that on a “housewife’s” salary.  I’ve also got big dreams of a coffee table and chair for my living room along with some new window treatments and some fresh paint.  All these wants coupled with my kids who think money grows on a magic tree in our backyard makes a frustrated mom like me long for employment outside of the home.  Do you know what I’d do for the possiblity of a one hour commute each way in the solitude of silence?  Now, if push came to shove, I’d most certainly entertain the idea of working from home.  I’d never turn something like that down.  As you can see, I am a very agreeable, flexible person.  A perfect employee, if you will.  I consider myself “old school”–I firmly believe it’s not what the company can do for me–it’s what I can do for the company.  I think you’ll find that refreshing when you go down the list of your current payroll.  I beg you to count on one hand the amount of current IL employees with that attitude.

If you’d just consider my talents and your ideas coupled together for just a moment, you’ll see we’d make the perfect pair.  I firmly believe if you continue with your current speech writer by the time your term nears it’s end not only will the “peeeeple” of Illinois not care about cars and bank accounts they’ll need to be nudged awake to vote in the next election.  If you’re as boring in 2014 as you were today they’ll do something drastic.  God knows four years of ho-hum will have them longing for the “excitement” Ryan and Blago brought to the table.  You won’t have to worry about speeches come the next election–you’ll never make it out of the primary gates, let alone win a second bid to Springfield.

I did manage to stay awake during today’s speech–if only for the comedic relief it provided.  Seriously, was that guy next to Simon wearing a bow tie?  Don’t even get me started about whatever the heck was sitting atop your kid’s head.  I’m usually not one to pick on kids of politicians–they didn’t ask for the limelight, right?  But with the right stylist, the kid could go places.   Did you get a load of Papa Madigan?  He was rolling his eyes as you tackled the fifth or sixth quote in your speech.  You want to get things done in the Legislature?  That’s not going to happen if you already have Madigan’s eyes rolling during your inaugural speech.

Can I ask you a question?  If I were to be a speech writer, would I be able to sit in on the “important event planning” meetings?  For example, when planning today’s freakshow, did you meet ahead of time…and plan the agenda for the day?  I’m sure your speech writer had a seat at the round table, right?  Well, I’m here to tell you that if I were in that meeting and the subject of the The U.S. Airforce Band belting out “I Need A Hero” before the ceremony was to begin happened to come up–trust me, Sir…I’d hold up my grubby left thumb and point it down–just to save you from embarrassment.  I Need A Hero???  Are you kidding me??…Those people were just setting you up for ridicule.  I suppose it could have been worse–they could have suggested “Send in the Clowns”.  I’m here to tell you I wouldn’t have let that whole “hero” stuff happen.  Not even on a dare.

In closing, I hope you’ll consider me–who cares how many hits I do or don’t get on the ChicagoNow Blog Site…those readers that don’t read my posts do not know what they are missing.  I think I am a hoot–how do I know this??  Well, more than a few people have told me this.  I’m exactly what you, and more importantly, the “peeeeple” of Illinois need during this tough time. 

Considering the current “state” of our State–seriously–if we didn’t laugh we’d cry.  I’m here to offer my services in making the “peeple” laugh again, Mr. Governor.  And if you’re writing your own speeches–this is not going to happen.  I think, if you gave me enough time, I could make that 75% tax increase sound even more humorous than it already sounds.  If we get them laughing hard enough, they might forget it was your idea.

I’d even consider doing double-duty and make that Lieutenant Governor of yours seem almost life-like.  I’ve never actually heard Sheila Simon give a speech…I can honestly say I’ve never heard her voice before today.  In my humble opinion, just by the looks of her, she seems like a real “snooze fest”…I’m not sure what magic I could work with that material, but I’d sure be willing to try.

Wake up, Governor Quinn!  And give this constituent what she wants and what you said you were willing to give.  I want a J-O-B.  Make a gal happy, won’t ya?? 


Leave a comment
  • Establishing a solid credit history can cut your insurance costs. "Clearance Auto Insurance" will get you the lowest rate even for low credit scored.

Leave a comment