An insecure post on confidence and lack thereof

I struggle with crippling insecurity. It may surprise a few people to know it. At least in my mind, I think people would be surprised. Because generally, when I’m around people, I know how to act like a person who has their shit together.

But really… my shit isn’t together at all. My shit is all over the place. Figuratively. Not literally.

My lack of confidence has held me back in countless ways – jobs that I didn’t pursue because I was convinced I wasn’t smart enough or talented enough, jobs that I had but didn’t succeed in because I feared I was no good at them, help that I didn’t ask for because I was afraid that it would draw attention to my insecurities…

Yet there are times when I seem to be able to suppress my insecurities and step up to take on a role that requires self-confidence and poise. There were several times I was the only person willing to take on a leadership position in organizing an event. And other times when I was in a position to make something happen that otherwise would have been an opportunity wasted… like at my brother’s wedding reception when my other brother kept coming up with great comments to roast my brother (the groom) but refused to get up there and make a toast. I stepped up and delivered.

I have learned, that even though I lack confidence in myself, I can project an air of confidence when required. If only I could could internalize the feeling!

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