Six Ridiculous Baby Purchases I’ve Made (Thus Far)

When it comes to baby products, one thing I’ve learned is you don’t know what’s a waste until you’ve had the baby. You get everything on the must-have list, half of the stuff you won’t use, another quarter of it won’t work for your baby. Many people advised me on what to purchase or what not to purchase. A lot of the time it was helpful, other times I was bullheaded and didn’t listen. Here is a list of stuff I truly thought I would use and look back on in jest.

1) Gas/Colic Drops

colic dropsThis can almost be left without subtext. The idea that a couple drops of anything can resolve issues associated with a newborn’s immature digestive system and subsequent crankiness is ridiculous. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

You want to exercise control over the situation so you buy a $20 mini bottle of colic drops, gripe water; perhaps you’ll purchase multiple varieties of the same useless serum. I’ll let you in on a little secret, colic drops DON’T WORK. If memory serves (maybe not since I was half asleep that month) they actually fostered a worse night since our son projectile vomited after taking it.

The gripe water success stories are fantastical. It’s similar to the concept of Santa Claus only for adults; we need to believe in something to get us through this season. The Amazon reviews with miracle stories about how well they work are probably misattribution. If there was a tiny liquid miracle bottle for fussiness they’d send us all home from the hospital with it.

 2) Cute Designer Newborn Outfits

Designer Baby Clothes

Never worn newborn Burberry onesie & Ralph Lauren jacket.

It’s embarrassing to admit there’s a teeny set of designer clothes residing in my son’s dresser. How cutely naive was I? There’s a trifecta of issues here.

1) The idea that I’m going to put a complicated, valuable outfit on my newborn. My newborn is where onesies go to DIE; he’s a mass destructor of onsies.

2) The idea that I care about what he’s wearing. He’s breathing? OK great, all I care about.

3) Where the hell is he going?? If I leave the house with my son, we’re going on solo walks, not hitting up the latest mommy meetup group. If you’ve already purchased an adorable designer wardrobe; prep the goodwill box in advance. I was warned he would never wear these outfits before I purchased them. Too bad new parents are arrogant and I was no exception.

Maybe you’re too lazy to dress your kid up but that won’t be me. There I go highlighting my amateurism one day at a time.

3) Baby Socks and/or Shoes

Baby SocksIf you enjoy the continuous exercise of putting socks back on, go crazy! If not, say no to baby socks. They don’t keep them on, they kick and pull them off. If you’re really that concerned about your baby getting too cold without miniature Uggs put a footed onesie on him.

 4) The Memento Baby Book

Pages of Nate's baby book that have yet to be filled out (spoiler: he's past these months already)

Pages of Nate’s baby book that have yet to be filled out (spoiler: he’s past these months already)

The intentions here are admirable; preserving adorable mementos for the family to look back on. I fortook the opportunity to ink up my child for foot/hand prints and took a nap instead.

I figured fueling up on shreds of energy took priority over a scrapbooking project. Plus I didn’t find his first post-meconium poop worth scrapbooking anyway; let’s face it infants can be boring. I could have made an effort to fill out small portions of the book, the month-by-month photo section perhaps. Here’s baby Nate at 2, 3, 4 months blah blah blah.

There’s proof all over my Facebook feed that moms find the time. They put a sticky tie on their baby that says 3 months and prop he/she against a wall but that’s not how it rolls at the Fargano condo. I casually snapped pictures throughout my son’s infancy but wasn’t setting up mini photo shoots once a month.

 5) Teethers

TeethersMy son is getting his first couple teeth so I naturally started purchasing those non-toxic eco-whatever teethers. Please. Don’t throw away money. My child eyes them with perplexity and continues to chop all over potentially toxic pieces of his activity center.

He will chew on everything EXCEPT an actual teether; my hand, his hand, his foot, the couch, bibs, stuffed animals, playmats, cell phones, our dog, books, crib, the wrong end of a pacifier…you get the picture.

 6) The Adorable, Stylish, Completely Useless Mobile

PBK Mobile

Isn’t it cute? I mean nonfunctional.

Of course I opted for the Pottery Barn mobile that must be HAND CRANKED every 20 seconds. The only thing I want a mobile for is uninterrupted distraction while I do things around the house. If the mobile looks stylish, it’s probably useless.

Buy the eyesore, monstrosity with the gigantic motor that runs for 20 minutes. If it comes with a remote control enabling you to re-start the thing from the kitchen, bonus points. The small, grey Pottery Barn mobile requiring a dial turn every 2 minutes provides nothing but aggravation.

Do yourself a favor with the mobile and register for the grotesque one that will actually entertain your child for more than 30 seconds.

Another tip– if it can’t be thrown directly into a dishwasher/washing machine, don’t buy it. You’re never going to hand wash a toy, blanket, anything no matter how frickin adorable.

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