REMEMBERING PHYLLIS DILLER AND MAXINE/ EVEN BY TODAY'S STANDARDS THEY ARE CHUCKLE-WORTHY/ SHARING SOME LAUGHS/ REMEMBER THAT OUR GRANDMA'S WERE NOT ALL THAT SQUARE.

REMEMBERING PHYLLIS DILLER AND MAXINE/ EVEN BY TODAY'S STANDARDS THEY ARE CHUCKLE-WORTHY/ SHARING SOME LAUGHS/ REMEMBER THAT OUR GRANDMA'S WERE NOT ALL THAT SQUARE.

I’m here at ChicagoNow sharing THESE POSTS because of my insight into Chicago’s mean streets and the sometimes depressing conditions that lead to dispensing information that most people would rather not hear. So I have decided to take a break from the usual and share a few laughs. These are from Maxine and the late comedienne Phylis Diller. I’m sure most of you remember them. If not, their comedy schtick will give you a few much-NEEDED chuckles these days. At least I hope so. I also indulged myself with one of my all-time favorites Dorothy Parker RIP.

  • As your beauty fades so will his eyesight
  • Housework can’t kill you but why take a chance?
  • The reason why women don’t play football is 11 of them would never wear the same outfit twice.
  • The best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Any time three Chicagoans get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • What I don’t like about Christmas office parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got GIN in the steam iron.
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice-they look just like me.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle-keep away from children.
  • I asked the pompous waiter, is this milk fresh? He said lady three hours ago it was grass.
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know your old if they discontinued your blood type.

    MORE FROM PHYLIS AND MAXINE AND BEYOND-BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT—-
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
  • Your just jealous because the VOICES only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.
  • Out of my mind—back in 5 minutes.
  • God must love stupid people he made so many of them.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Being over the hill is so much better than being under it.
  • I have a degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a large CASH advance.
  • Stupidy is not a handicap: Park elsewhere.
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Finally, I have to include a little something from one of my all-time great Characters. The Indomitable DOROTHY PARKER–RIP—“I LIKE TO HAVE A MARTINI. TWO AT THE VERY MOST. AFTER 3 I’M UNDER THE TABLE. AFTER 4 I’M UNDER THE HOST.–STAY SAFE –HOPE YOU ENJOYED AT LEAST A FEW OF THEM ANYWAY.

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