Category: me

I Paint My Toenails

To be quite honest, this is such a non-story that I barely researched it — who made the ad (J. Crew) and who complained about it (we can guess, right?). The ad is a mother playfully painting her 2-3 year old son’s toenails while the kid laughs — oft-bored social conservatives say all that it... Read more »

Get Your Garden On: Cool weather plants are in the ground

Pretend company.
After composting for the past year, I couldn’t wait to get the garden going. So as storms rolled in overhead I got the first of the cold weather plants in the ground today — radishes, onions, etc. The old adage is to wait until Mothers’ Day — mine is that I’ve been going insane trapped... Read more »

Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds

A guy came into my store the other day, picked up the Cubs baseball schedules on the counter and slammed them back down. “Throw these out! I hope they lose every game.” A Sox fan. I smiled and gave him my usual spiel that if everybody rooted for the same team, sports would be boring.... Read more »

Convenience Store Etiquette: How to be a good customer

Writers have day jobs. As revealed last time, one of my current gigs is locking up a liquor store at night a few times a week. Retail has been both a boon and a bane upon my life. My mother and father owned and operated (and operated and operated) a White Hen Pantry for 25... Read more »

Snowstorm 2011: Closing the liquor store

Yeah.. now I'm just taking pics to watch L shovel.
I’m a freelance writer. Which obviously means I also work part-time at a liquor store. So on Tuesday evening (5), when the chaos we all knew was about to ensue, I ventured out (which already involved dispersing-with one small hill that had drifted in the center of the driveway) to relieve my boss and close... Read more »

Just Another Gun Rant: Arms are for hugging

“Arms are for hugging.” -The Dandy Warhols More and more our country has found it hard to contain its overtly aggressive attitude towards other cultures (including its own), towards other countries (France, Mexico), towards gays (ChicagoNow’s own Publius Forum blog chastised Archie comics for adding a homosexual character, saying children should have a “safe” place... Read more »

Winter Blues: Are You SAD Yet?

Chalk it up to the strange ice rain that fell from the sky as I left for work today (it kept even my boldest cat down to about three minutes outside), but everybody I met was already complaining about the winter blues (also called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD! Hah!), if you wanna get into the... Read more »

You're A Farmer -- But Can You COOK?: A Recipe for Pumpkin Seeds

You're A Farmer -- But Can You COOK?: A Recipe for Pumpkin Seeds
The fruits (mostly vegetables) of this season’s harvest are starting to remind me of an old Mitch Hedberg joke (what doesn’t?): As a comedian, I always get into situations where I’m auditioning for movies and sitcoms. They want you to do other things besides comedy. They say “Alright, can you write? Write us a script.... Read more »

Greetings!: Say What You Mean While Greeting the World

Ok, guys only.. but still pretty cool
“Same sh*t, different day.” I hear it all the time. People actually use this phrase to describe their entire existence. As a former English major, I am more apt to accurately describe my mood than repeat a gloomy catch phrase. If you care enough to ask me how I’m doing, I’ll give you a decent... Read more »

The Hawk: Every Guy Should Sport A Mohawk Once

The Hawk: Every Guy Should Sport A Mohawk Once
Not too sure about the Bears on the field this season, but I love the idea of training camp mohawks. Something about sports and crazy hair (playoff beards, old-timey mustaches) just gels. When a guy shaves his head (and every guy should shave his head once) doing the ‘hawk for a week or so is... Read more »