Here is a recent conversation I’ve had approximately 1,263 times in the past two months.
Me: Yeah, so I’m looking for a job in Chicago.
Them: Chicago? Have you asked Oprah? Oprah lives in Chicago.
Nothing against Oprah, but, it’s not like we’re tight. It got me wondering, is she the only Chicagoan people outside Illinois have heard about? To test this theory, I created a little poll.
I also checked Harpo Careers to see if there was a position available for the Job StalkerThere was. A position thoughtfully titled, “Research Coordinator,” instead of “Magazine Fetcher,” a task which I must tell you was actually included in the job description. If you too wish to save yourself from future embarrassment, here are five canned responses to keep on hand for the “Did you ask Oprah?” question:
1. Oprah? Who’s Oprah?
2. I tried. But apparently she is busy running the entire free known world.
3. Not since she turned me down for prom.
4. I SuperPoked her on Facebook and she threw a sheep at me.
5. Yes. I gave her God as a reference.
If you have any other responses to share, please comment. I’m running out of things to tell the Oprah fans of the world.