Modest proposals for bicyclists

Modest proposals for bicyclists
Bicyclist illegally riding on the sidewalk.

So, there I was, walking slowly in the heat and humidity on the sidewalk. A reckless terrorist cyclist was coming at me. I kept plodding along, watching him swerve out of my way and trying to avoid hitting a lamp post. I threw a few choice obscene words at him, along with reminding him the law states bikes are supposed to be walked on sidewalks.

The next thing I know he rides by me, turns around, and gets off his death machine. I figure if he attacks, I will just toss my scalding hot Starbucks in his face and leave him writhing in pain while whistling a merry tune as I walk away.

Instead of attacking, this guy wants to know who I am to swear at him. I told him he was a law breaker. Now, hold on. You are not going to believe what this hipster looking sweaty smelly idiot said.

“Who makes these dumb laws? Corporations, my friend. I do not obey corporate laws.”


Cyclist breaking the law, riding on the sidewalk.

Parents of twenty and thirty something’s, are you proud of the imbecile muff monekys you brought into this world?

Are you filled with joy how your sperm and egg omelettes turned out?

Do you thank the higher power that your hard work and the college tuition you provided to your golden sprogolytes was not wasted?

The Chicago Tribune article, Cars make way for bikes in transient oriented housing proposal, reports that “Mayor Rahm Emanuel plans to soon introduce changes to the city’s transit-oriented development ordinance that would dramatically expand the areas eligible for city incentives and let developers off the hook for parking if they instead make room for bicycles.”


Cyclist breaking the law, riding on the sidewalk.

Just what Chicago needs, more reckless cyclists on the streets and worse, illegally riding their dangerous contraptions on sidewalks.

They ride their bikes through pedestrian traffic. Some shouting for pedestrians to get out of their way. Others have dinky bells they ring. Most just barrel through as if they are racing.

They are a danger and hazard. Most pedestrians are fearful to say anything as the cyclists usually have a crazed look on their faces.

If you dare remind them they are violating the law, the cyclists become rude, vulgar, and violently intimidating.

There is no political will or fortitude to enforce the laws against these hordes of dangerous violators. They can flaunt the laws at will because they know no one will touch them.


Cyclist breaking the law, riding on the sidewalk.

A little history lesson is needed. Bicycles became a popular, cleaner, easier, and cheaper form of transportation than the horse.

As Chicago began catering to cyclists, the automobile came along. It became a popular, cleaner, and cheaper (in the long run) form of transportation than the horse. Other motor vehicles replaced horses drawn wagons, hansoms, and surreys.

Motor vehicles were more efficient in getting from here to there and there to here due to their speed.

It was the beginning of the modern age.

For some reason, we are regressing. Who knows? Maybe in the near future, horses and horse drawn vehicles will be seen on Chicago streets again. We will have dirt horse lanes, hitching posts, and watering spots catering to equestrians and their horses. Maybe even Divvy Horses.


Bring back horses. Horse manure can be composted to fertilizer for the useless flower beds on major thoroughfares.

Of course there will be horse manure, which can be composted for fertilizer. Great for those useless flower beds in the middle of major thoroughfares.

Nothing like going backwards instead of progressing forward.

In light of the political clout bicyclists and their enablers have due to being a major voting bloc, I am offering some modest, common sense proposals to be enacted.

Cyclist breaking the law, riding on the sidewalk.

Cyclist breaking the law, riding on the sidewalk.

Chicago needs common sense bicycle control. Reckless bicycle riders are out of control. Bicycle violence can erupt at any time. It is best to nip it in the bud.

It is time to seize the moment. Be on the right side of history. This is our moment. This is our time. We need change we can believe in to protect pedestrians, vehicle drivers, and the whiny complaining bike people (from themselves).

These modest proposals and ordinances would protect all citizens. All lives matter, not just those of reckless bicyclists.

1.) Bicyclists should be forced to take a 40 hour course on the Rules of the Road and a riding test before being allowed to ride in public. They should be retested every five years.

2.) Cyclists should be issued a Bicycle Owners Identification Card (BOIC) upon passing the test. They must carry this card with them at all times while riding or in possession of a bicycle.

3.) Bicyclists should be limited to purchasing only one bicycle at a time from licensed bicycle shops. The selling of bicycles anyplace else will be prohibited.

4.) Bicycle dealers will be mandated to keep meticulous records on all bike and parts purchases.

5.) Bicyclists will be subject to enforcement of all Rules of the Road. Fines will start at $250.00 for minor infractions up to $1000.00 and a year in jail for major infractions, such as riding on sidewalk, failing to stop at red lights or stop signs, causing accidents, etc. All city employees will be empowered and encouraged to write citations to any and all bicycle lawbreakers.

6.) Bicyclists will pay to park their cycles on city streets, utilizing the parking boxes. They will pay the same rates as drivers.

7.) Bicycles will only be allowed to park in bike racks. The use of lamp posts, city sign poles, and other implements to chain bicycles will be forbidden. Cycles illegally parked will be subject to confiscation. In order to get the bicycle back, cyclists would need to present their BOIC and pay  a $500.00 fine.

8.) Bicyclists will be mandated to buy bicycle liability insurance and carry proof of insurance with them while riding their bicycles. This will ensure safer streets and compensation for injuries from reckless cyclists.

9.) All cyclists must wear a helmet, glasses or goggles. Bikes must have operating head and tail lights, turn signalls, and emergency sound device.

10.) All bicycles must be equipped with brakes.

These are merely modest proposals, subject to debate. The money generated from fines can be utuilzed to maintain bike lanes. It can and should be used to remove the blight and litter of ghost bikes, the illegal memorials to dead cyclists.

It is time the city took the dangers of bicyclists seriously. They are  threat to our very security and safety.

We should demand better of our politicians. They should do more than just provide bread and circuses. They should keep us safe from these marauding hordes of spandex, sweaty, smelly, and dangerous bicyclists.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Leave a comment