Chicago's two wheeled terrorists

While leaving the Printer’s Row Lit Fest last week, I was almost run down by three two wheeled terrorists riding their personal weapons of destruction (PWDs) on the sidewalk, weaving between several pedestrians.

I exclaimed, “Look at these F@#$ing morons.”

One of the whiny needy terrorist cyclists, a shirtless, skeletal looking guy wearing Bermuda shorts, took umbrage. “Who are you calling a moron?”

I pointed at him and replied, “You, you f@#$ing moron.” The pedestrians stood agape, staring at me as if I was some kind of wild fiendish lunatic. Evidently it offends the oh so overly tender sensitivities of people to publicly call a moron a moron.

Naturally, morons do not wanted to be identified in public.

A short while later, on State Street, a pair of two wheeled terrorists were riding Divvy Bikes on the sidewalk, imperiling pedestrians. I have seen people riding Divvy Bikes on the sidewalk on Michigan Avenue. It is surprising they have not injured people while weaving in and out of that heavy pedestrian traffic.

Worse are the animal abusing two wheel terrorists. They ride on the sidewalks and streets with Toto or Old Yeller on a leash. These people should be banned from owning dogs. They should have “DOG ABUSER” tattooed on their foreheads.

Try stepping off a curb where ever there are bike lanes. The two wheeled terrorists refuse to slow down when pedestrians are in the road way. You take your life in your hands walking on the lakefront. The two wheeled terrorists are speed demons. Evidently if they slow down, they lose their cardio pump. This could have deleterious affects on their well being, or some such nonsense.

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Typical two wheeled terrorist on the Riverwalk.

This evening, I was walking along the Riverwalk. I heard someone behind me yammering, “Move right or left”. I turned and there was a spandex clad two wheeled terrorist riding his PWD.

As I walked along, there were more of them. They were yelling, ringing their dinky bike bells, and trying to get around pedestrians, who have the right of way.

It is the Riverwalk. It is not the River bike lane. Walk means walk. Unless the lexicon has changed and no one told me.

Something has to be done. Enough is enough. These two wheeled terrorists must be stopped. They should play with their toys in the street or on designated bike lanes in other areas.

Innocent vulnerable pedestrians should not fear PWDs colliding with them, causing injury or possibly death. The two wheeled terrorists are a critical threat to the safety and lives of pedestrians.

The gallery shows some of these two wheeled terrorists riding on the Riverwalk.

Then there are the two wheeled terrorists who are allowed to bring their personal weapons of destruction on the El. They block seats, making others stand. Try telling one of these terrorists to let you sit down. They just sneer. Worse, on crowded trains you brush up against their filth laden bikes. Your clothes get dirt and chain grease on them.

The two wheeled terrorists have special interest groups that lobby politicians on their behalf. Politicians are silent on the hazards and dangers cyclists pose to pedestrians. Maybe it is time to replace all those two wheeled terrorist friendly politicians.

It is time to stop the nonsense and madness. The two wheeled terrorists must no longer be catered, pampered, or listened to. Their incessant needy whining must be ignored.

Cyclists contribute nothing to this city, except the body odor they bring to work with them. They are not meaningful, worthy, politically, or socially relevant. They are irresponsible terrible toddlers. Giving these people special rights and privileges is equivalent to giving a loaded sub-machine gun to a four-year-old.

We do not have to worry about those five terrorists President Obama exchanged for the P.O.W. We have our own home grown terrorists in Chicago. They are the reckless, heartless, soulless and dangerous bicycle riders on their two wheeled personal weapons of destruction.

There is only one solution. They should be scooped up off the walkways, rendered to Gitmo, and held until we can exchange them with foreign countries for people who can provide respectable socially responsible services, like cab drivers.

Oh, and it is about time the city removes the blight and litter the two wheeled terrorists use as monuments to their martyred brothers and sisters in terror. The ghost bikes must be go.

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