First we get whacked with snowmageddon. Then, the polar vortex rushes in with sub zero temperatures and double digit sub zero windchill factors.
Chiberians are already whining and complaining about the snow and brutal temperatures.
“Woe is me” may be the new city motto.
Welcome to Chiberia. The Whiny City. The City of Bony Shoulders. The I Can’t City. The City that Don’t Work. The Complaining Capital of the World.
People were futilely shoveling snow as it kept falling. Some shoveled out parking spaces, placing Dibs in them.
Others tried to navigate the unplowed side streets. The aldermen must be on vacation. If they were around the side streets would have been plowed.
Hint, people who are thinking of running for alderman or mayor should start making commercials right now about unplowed streets:
Judge Dibs weighed in on the ritual of Dibs, as laid down in gold foiled runes of the “Sacred Scrolls”. Dibs is the long standing tradition and ritual of blocking the parking space you shoveled out with stuff you could not sell at yard or garage sales. Those sales you never bothered to get a city permit for.
There are better methods to protect the parking space you risked a deadly heart-a-stroke to clear.
Hire mercenary Eskimo warriors to guard it.
Get vicious junk yard penguins to peck any one to death who parks in your space.
Hire professional Italians wearing wife beater tee shirts, pinkie rings, Bermuda shorts with black knee-high monogrammed stockings, white thin soled loafers, and sun glasses, with base-a-ball bats to sit in the lawn chairs you placed in your parking space.
Or, if you spy a poacher, you can throw a few buckets of water on his car, freezing the doors shut in sub zero temperatures.
Communistic Chiberians weighed in on shoveling city sidewalks as the good and proper thing to do, for the good of all, the common good, or some such nonsense.
They cited the law, which makes it illegal and punishable by fine not to shovel a city sidewalk in front of your home. Imagine that. A law forcing you to shovel property owned by the city. You do not even get paid for it. Talk about enslavement.
Maybe this should be the new patriotic anthem of entitlement whining Chiberians who demand you shovel snow for their common good. (Thanks Comrade JK):
Better yet, carry a flame thrower to clear your own path:
Chicago Teachers Union president, Karen Lewis, used her faux Godlike popularity to demand schools close today due to the weather.
Those poor teachers cannot be expected to drive to work this horrid weather. It would be cruel and unusual punishment bordering on teacher abuse.
Mayor Emanuel called from the sun drenched slums of Indonesia. The schools will be closed. The teachers are safe. Praise the Lord and pass the rhetoric.
It is winter folks. It snows. It gets brutally cold. Some years it gets dangerously cold in Chicago. So what?
You are going to let a little weather bring Chiberia to a crashing halt?
Thieves, murderers, corrupt soldiers, and scam artists founded Chiberia on the mud flats of the Chicago River.
Chiberia is a Native American word meaning smelly do-gooder, or something like that.
The founders were a hardier breed than the wussified entitlement whiners living in modern Chiberia.
The founders of our city never let weather, disease, Indian raids, fires, or other calamities stop them in their endeavors. Wind, rain, snow, brutal cold, and sleet were just obstacles to overcome in their quest to earn a buck, legally or illegally.
A guy named Cap’n Streeter claimed Dibs on part of the lake front, where he ran dive saloons and brothels 24/7/365, no matter the weather. That neighborhood is now called Streeterville. Only in Chiberia could a neighborhood be named after a whore monger.
They should have named City Hall after Streeter.
Chiberia is fast becoming a city of wussified entitlement whiners, soft sops, and professional complainers. People who want everything done for them, snow and cold days off work, and do-gooder consideration enacted as punishable ordinances.
If the Armageddon Penguin Legion ever marched on this town, Chiberians would surrender in a heart beat to the tuxedo uniformed Sphenisciformes.
On another note, the Packers did not really lose the game yesterday against the 49ers from balmy California. They threw it. That’s right. Management threatened to force them to wear these all winter long if they lost.
The team took one look, got excited, and took a dive. What real Cheese Head wouldn’t?
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