I'm gonna' tell you why Ariana Grande sucks (or "The Hairspray Live! Massacre")

I'm gonna' tell you why Ariana Grande sucks (or "The Hairspray Live! Massacre")

For those of you who were watching NBC’s aborted fetus of a show on Wednesday, you know what a bone-cracking ordeal is was.

Hairspray, a musical which deals with timely subjects like racism and fat-shaming, has been a classic since its premiere in 2002. The songs, including “Good Morning Baltimore” and “You Can’t Stop the Beat” have been heard the world over and became a worldwide sensation of musical comedy.

NBC’s decision, when it was announced, was met with ecstatic glee. This show, which works well for TV on paper, would easily fit the format and would allow brilliant leads and character actors to inhabit these roles created by the eccentric John Waters for his original movie, which featured his muse Divine and Debbie Harry of Blondie, to name but a few.

When the official cast list was announced, I gasped in sick horror when I saw a name that I wouldn’t let within a hundred feet of a Broadway theater, let alone inhabit one of the prime character actor parts in the show, Tracy Turnblad’s nerdy companion Penny Pingleton.

Grande, who has become a teenybopper cause célèbre, started out as half of the Nickelodeon young adult show Sam and Cat. She has since become a pop “star” who has the young boys slobbering and the young girls trying to mimic her slurred singing and faux-vamp aesthetic.

I said, from the moment that she popped onto the scene, that she didn’t have what it took to become a legitimate artist. The immortal jab that comedian Walter Matthau lobbed at Hello Dolly co-star Barbra Streisand often comes to mind: “I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.”

She is yet another example of a frozen dinner passed off as a serious artist. She came prepackaged, ready to bake, and easy to please. She’s made the rounds of the celebrity gossip rags, her relationships, affairs, and dalliances sheer opiates to the masses. Her music is about as white-washed as a Trump rally in Chattanooga, and her songs are paeans to the lame-brained and juvenile.

In no way could I call this two-a-penny tart an artist or actress of note. She satisfies an immediate need, similar to masturbation, but the aftereffect is one of shame and deep moral decay.

Watching her in Hairspray Live! was like seeing a large piece of lint on a cashmere sweater that can be plucked off with ease. Here is this momentary flash-in-the-pan trying to keep her own with some of the world’s most gifted comedians, including Harvey Fierstein, Martin Short, Rosie O’Donnell, Sean Hayes, and Andrea Martin.

For those of you who don’t know the show, Penny is the extremely nerdy, yet loving, friend of our well-rounded heroine Tracy. During the climax of the show, she is transformed into a beauty, even uttering to her mother, who coddles her, “I’m a pretty girl, Mama!” The moment where Grande appeared as a bombshell lost its meaning, as we never truly believed she was the nerdy character they dolled her up to be. She showed the dramatic range of the sock I keep in the bottom drawer and it, very embarrassingly, showed in living technicolor.

Her casting was the most egregious piece of inappropriate glamour casting since Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia, and at least he provided some comic relief with his “bathroom hand-dryer” vocal production.

I can be a bit acerbic, but if you look behind the sass, you’ll see why I’m saying all of this.

I am a creature of the theater. I love to watch, perform, live, and breathe musicals and know most of them backward and forward. I, therefore, have some very firm opinions that I am not afraid to voice.

Ariana Grande was cast as a way to lure children, young and old alike, into watching the telecast. Period. There was no reason for her being shoehorned into the proceedings other than to whore her out to bring in the “young vote.” Her behavior towards fans and colleagues alike would shock even the bitterest of Broadway Divas. She has not earned the right to tread the proverbial boards.

And, for the role of Penny, there were thousands upon thousands of actresses who have paid their dues doing eight shows a week who would kill for this one moment to show the world their stuff.

Instead, we were able to learn what we already knew: Ariana Grande sucks as an actress, singer, and artist in general.


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  • I can't believe your dumbass took the time to write this up. Calm the fuck down. No one gives a shit what you think.

  • In reply to Fuckoff420:

    My readers will be to differ, sir

  • In reply to Steven Krage:

    How many readers does this shit blog have? Not very many by the looks of it. You're a hack.

  • In reply to Fuckoff420:

    I won't go into numbers, but I have a very healthy, loyal readership. Those who read my blog daily will agree

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    In reply to Steven Krage:

    You do realize a good chunk of this information your spouting is incorrect. Grande was in Broadway FIRST. Then was supporting cast on victorius. ( i don't know, why because as much as I like Tori, Cat's voice is amazing. ) THEN she was in sam and cat because fans loved Arianna more than Victoria Justice.

  • In reply to Fuckoff420:

    when you reveal your face and use your real name, we might give a shit what you think, Fuckoff420....might

  • In reply to Jenn-Anne:

    Brava, madame! Anonymous comments aren't worth the time to even read them. But, I can't deny myself the pleasure of teasing them... they make it so easy!

  • fb_avatar
    In reply to Fuckoff420:

    Apparently, It seems, you do or you wouldn't even read the article.

  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariana_Grande

  • You do realize she started in broadway right?

  • In reply to Marciwashere:

    As did Pia Zadora, but no one will ever call her a great actress

  • Well it seems Miss Doughnut-licker's little fans came out in force, doesn't it? Bravo Steven, I'm with you. I like the way you put pop "star" in quotes. My favorite will always be the original movie with Divine. LOL, you weren't even born when that came out!

  • In reply to Friendly Curmudgeon:

    Thank you so much for your kind words, FC!

    You are a beacon of rationality in a word filled with slime.

    And, trust me, the "pop star" in quotes was a very conscious choice ;)

    Warmest Regards to you and yours!

  • One of the worst articles I have read, period. Absolutely no sense of objectivity went into this as Ariana Grande is in fact an excellent singer and vocalist. Grammy nominated, critically acclaimed, and now a Golden Globe nominee, Ariana Grande is very much talented. Acting may be not be for her, but it's ugly spending time to write about how much you hate someone.

  • In reply to Stephen5300:

    I agree with you 100%. Ariana is the most talented singer in the pop genre at the moment.

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    In reply to Fuckoff420:

    All the Way better and Most famous singers out there would he completely insulted by your comment because Ariana Grande most certainly is not 'the most talented singer in the world'. You have decades of singers who are far more talented than her.

  • In reply to Stephen5300:

    Yeah, but she licks doughnuts in doughnut shops and puts them back on the counter. Sorry, I can't get past that

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    I agree with Steven. Casting Ariana Grande was a terrible decision. Amanda Bynes was a way better choice and there are plenty of singers and actresses who could have done this role better. Penny is supposed to be a naive, white girl. But I'm also not a big fan of Ariana Grande or her music.

  • fb_avatar

    The the blogger who wrote this-spot the fuck on, every word. Ariana Grande is a talentless hack, with a horrible personality, who does not deserve the fame she has. She reminds me of Rihanna, but even less talented.

  • This article aged like fucking milk lmao

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