Here are 5 reasons that I'm the modern-day Grinch (and not just because I've got garlic in my soul!)

Here are 5 reasons that I'm the modern-day Grinch (and not just because I've got garlic in my soul!)

Dr. Seuss’s immortal Christmas classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas has been a mainstay of households since the book was released in 1957.

The story has become a part of our cultural lexicon, so much so that The Grinch has become the Scrooge of our time. The 1966 Television version, featuring Universal Monster Icon Boris Karloff, is lauded with the best (and the 2000 Jim Carrey live-action movie denigrated with the worst.)


As I was rereading the book, as I do every year, I started to sympathize with The ol’ Grinch. Here he is, this creature of indeterminate species, who simply wants to have some peace and quiet without a bunch of annoying “glass-half-fullers” spreading all sorts of manufactured cheer. I feel as if The Grinch was simply an introvert who wanted nothing more than to repose in his mountain hideaway and remain comatose.

Those who know me personally know that I am a bit of a cheerful curmudgeon, never without a well-placed jab and a sarcastic quip. The Holidays, while a joyous time for all, for me are filled with false sentimentality.

So, once and for all, I thought I’d catalog the 5 pieces of evidence that support my thesis that I am the modern-day Grinch of the Chicago Suburbs!

1. Because seeing sappy Christmas commercials makes me want to RETCH!

I understand that Kay Jewelers has to have a commercial with a toddler helping some lonely man pick out his wife’s engagement ring, but do I have to be subjected to it? Shouldn’t there be a button for single, bitter people to not have to see these schmaltzy, saccharine commercials? You do not need to make people cry in a Hershey’s commercial! Christmas is seen by many as a time for sentimental joy…but not I!


2.  Because I don’t share well, especially when it comes to food!

If one more person steals my Jingle Cookies, I swear that I’m going to set fire to something. I get these cookies ONCE a year and I plan to hoard them like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter! Nowhere in the Christmas Constitution does it say that you are entitled to my Cranberry Splash Sierra Mist. If you think you are entitled to partake in my hoard, I guarantee you will be missing an appendage by December 26th.


3. Because my skin does not respond well to the Winter climate!

It’s very hard to be in the Christmas spirit when your lips are more chapped than John Wayne’s ass. I swear, it hits December 1st and my lips turn into a California wooded area in July. I baste myself with creams, ointments, snake-oil, and salve to the point where I am more liquid than solid. I have a feeling The Grinch would also agree with me that you can’t be merry if your lips are bleeding or your shoes are too goddamn tight!


4. Because we both are in love with Christine Baranski!

I mean… isn’t everyone? This brilliant star of stage and screen has been one of my biggest crushes since I was 14, and that ain’t changin’ anytime soon! The Grinch and I, very oddly, seem to have the same fatal attraction to Ms. Baranski (and, speaking of Fatal Attraction, Glenn Close is also a very handsome woman.) But, and I don’t like to brag, I think that I have a better chance of attracting her than our green friend, mostly because I’m not covered head to tail in fur.


5. Because, deep down, we can be true softies!

For all of my whining and complaining, I truly do love the holiday season and the people around me. And, like The Grinch, that realization doesn’t usually kick in until Christmas Eve!


So, my friends, let’s celebrate Christmas while we can, heart to heart and hand in hand!


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In this episode, Jack (The Vegan)and Steven (The Objectivist) discuss their take on capital punishment, Sarah Palin’s “War on Christmas” battle-cry, and vent on stupid Christmas songs! Also: Steven insults Pee Wee Herman, Jack admits to not believing in Santa, and a visit from three more celebrity guests!

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