It’s not every day when you can say that Stephen King has ignited a war of words between Donald Trump and the eponymous H.P. Lovecraft monster Cthulhu.
On Monday, September 12th, famed horror author Stephen King posted the following statement to his Twitter account:
As can be expected, both parties involved were grossly offended by Mr. King’s inflammatory language, with Senator Cthulhu especially offended. Cthulhu, 89, was elected as senator of The End of the World in 1942 and has held his post ever since, amassing a fortune rumoured to be seven times as much as Mr. Trump. (He released his tax forms months before his announcement, despite the fact that they were written on radioactive paper and disposed of immediately.) He recently announced his candidacy for President of The United States, allowed under a clause stating that any non-resident of the US can run for President if they agree to keep Keith Richards on eternal life support and monitor his vitals every hour, on the hour. Science-Fiction Writer H.P. Lovecraft was the man to bring Cthulhu to public prominence by releasing a volume he discovered entitled The Call of the Cthulhu by Francis Wayland Thurston, an unauthorized biography of the intense, politically-driven creature.
On the same day, Senator Cthulhu issued the following statement on his Twitter account, Cthulhu for America:
When I asked Senator Cthulhu for a statement, he said “That clown has nothing on me.” When I contacted Trump, his press agent said he was in an appointment to reduce swelling in his brain, which the media has speculated may be the cause of his wild statements and bizarre hair. A request for a statement with Stephen King is still forthcoming.
Cthulhu’s platform is one of honesty and sincerity. He promises to make history by “End[ing] History.” In a statement on September 13th, 2016, the Senator stated in an interview with Barbara Walters’ corpse that he “has no issue with wiping out humanity.” When asked to clarify that statement, he simply said that he wished not to dwell on it, as it might be a point of contention between him and his potential voting pool. Former President Richard Nixon’s skeleton issued a statement yesterday, stating that “While Mr. Cthulhu certainly holds some radical ideas, he has promised me that he will let me in on an investment in Hell Condominiums if I have my team tape Trump denouncing Betty White, which will be sure to end his chances for the presidency.” Hell Condominiums is a bank of luxury condos in North Hades, owned by Cthulhu, Adolf Hitler, and Dean Martin.
Oddly, for his ideas of world obliteration, Cthulhu finds Trump’s ideas and platform utterly incomprehensible. Though Cthulhu advocates for destruction of the Earth, he says that he would never stoop so low as to discriminate against any race, gender, or sex. His husband, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, has stated that “my husband wants Armageddon, but Mr. Trump wants a return to The Dark Ages. Gurgle.” Their tempestuous romance was chronicled in the iconic song, “(I’m in Love With) The Creature from the Black Lagoon.”
While a select group of people are frightened by the idea of a Cthulhu presidency, the majority of voters I spoke to sang out in unanimous, resounding chorus:
“Even if it’ll result in the destruction of mankind as we know it, it’s still better than the possibility of President Trump.”
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