I know it’s been like two months since I’ve posted anything on here. Please don’t fire me. I’ve been busy becoming a staple of the New York comedy scene. You know, a staple. One of those things that holds everything together. Or one of those things that clings on to others’ success and isn’t really necessary because there are already 20 other staples and 3 paper clips and a hot girl named Ashley attached.
After my long absence I’d like to talk about sex. Not the mechanics of it, because let’s face it, I know nothing about that. I know that pregnancy and STDs are risks of it. I also know I have gotten an STD test even though I haven’t had sex, because I felt “itchy” and wanted to be sure. The doctor said the test was super unnecessary, but my anxiety and I insisted.
I haven’t had sex. But I’ve done things. A lot of things, okay? So stop worrying, Mom! I’m perfectly normal and I’ll have sex when I’m ready.
A lot of people ask me if I’m religious. Or if I’m waiting until marriage. I’m not. I fully support my friends who have a lot of sex, as long as they’re being safe about it. And if they’re not being safe, I may say “hey, be safe” and then let them live their lives.
You could say I’m waiting. But not until marriage or even until I’m in love. I’m waiting to feel comfortable with a person. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve “hooked up” with people (yes, I use the term to mean doing things other than sex). I’ve gone on dates. I’ve even had the desire to have sex with people. I’m actually pretty horny for a virgin-by-choice. But my desire has never outweighed my anxiety and reasoning. I’m confident it will when I’m ready.
I do think that my choice to wait to have sex and my general anxiety around sexual encounters has ended hook-ups and flings. But I’m okay with that. I haven’t regretted anyone that I haven’t had sex with. In the moment, maybe I wished I could just have sex. That I could let go of my anxiety and enjoy life the way my friends do. But everyone who I’ve been with that I didn’t have sex with…I look at now and fully support my choice. (Sorry if you’re one of those people. You’re really cool and hot and everything.) None of these flings lasted very long or were ever serious. I was never in a relationship with any of them. I’m more than okay with my decision.
Some of my friends tell me to just get it over with. Or that I shouldn’t hold sex up as this big thing. They say I’ll be disappointed when I do have sex because it’s nothing amazing. I want them to know that I’m very aware that sex isn’t some magical thing. In fact, I probably won’t even enjoy it. Or at least for the first few times I do it. I’m not waiting until the “perfect” moment. I’m just waiting to find someone I’m comfortable with. Someone who I’m not afraid of. Someone who won’t judge me for not knowing how to do things, or what to say. Someone who will still want to make out with me even after I say “Isn’t this better than an open mic?” (something I have 100% said to a comedian I was hooking up with).
I want to work on my sexual anxiety. I don’t want to be afraid of sex. But I believe that when I’m with the “right” person it will feel natural. And when I say “right” person, I don’t necessarily mean the person I’ll marry, or even someone I’m in love with. Maybe it’ll be that person, but maybe it won’t be (sorry, Dad).
I’ve recently noticed an uptick in virgin jokes. People equate being a virgin with being lame. A lot of comedians will say they’re virgins when they’re on stage. And then as soon as I get excited to meet another one of my kind, I find out they were joking. Stop appropriating virgin culture! I’ve had a lot of people ask/offer to have sex with me, okay? So I’m cool.
And I’m not writing this to say “Wow, I’m 25 and I’m still a virgin. I’m so unique” because I know plenty of people who are older and still haven’t had sex. (Plus, what is “virginity”? It’s a stupid heteronormative construct. <– college education) I’m writing this to say, you do you!!! Have sex. Don’t have sex. Only have sex on Wednesdays. Only have sex when there’s a full moon. You do you. And maybe someone else too ;).
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