Dear Lorne Michaels, Comedy Central, and Netflix, Please Hire Me

Dear Lorne Michaels, Comedy Central, and Netflix, Please Hire Me

I have lived in New York for 3 months. Overall, I’m happy with my move. I’m making new friends, making some money babysitting, and doing a lot of comedy. Unfortunately, I am not yet famous. That’s fine. I have 2 more months to become famous before I’m considered a failure by everyone I know and love. So after 3 months of hard work, I’d like to formally apply to work at whatever comedy-related job you can find me.

Getting coffee for someone who’s famous? I’m there. Not to brag, but I am a regular at my neighborhood coffee shop. The baristas have even given me a little nickname. They write “Lindsey” on my coffee cups, which is adorable, because my actual name is Lindsay.

I can grab coffee for someone who’s not famous, but will be someday. See above for my qualifications. I also know several different types of milk. Whole milk, 2% milk, 1% milk, almond milk, soy milk, oat milk, unsweetened almond milk, and vanilla almond milk.

I can write comedy. What types of comedy? Sketches. Improvised scenes that aren’t improvised at all but are actually pre-written by me, Lindsay. Poems. Poems that don’t rhyme. Poems that do rhyme. Satire. Poems that rhyme for half of the poem and then the other half don’t rhyme. Songs. Little skits like what you see on very famous television shows, such as SNL. Don’t believe me? Here’s a rhyming poem I wrote about what it must be like to masturbate as a man:

I am man.

Man I am.

Here are all the places I can Kablam.

….(lots of rhyming about masturbation omitted for time)…

Walk-in freezer

Listening to weezer

My girlfriend?

I’ve never pleased her.

…(more rhyming about masturbation omitted for time)…

The End.

That’s not the only kind of writing I can do. I can also write satire articles that every publication will reject. Here is one that The Onion and Reductress turned down.

New Study Shows You Can Be Hot And Still Incredibly Sad

OXFORD, OH- Debunking the long-accepted theory that being hot and thin inherently makes one happy, scientists at Miami University discovered a group of people indigenous to the Oxford gym that are not only extremely good-looking, but also clinically depressed. “The group contains 4 men and 6 women, all of whom are solid 9’s, and some encroaching on the highly coveted 10 status”- Dr. Bailey Bradford, chair of Miami University’s chemistry department, disclosed at a press conference on Tuesday. When asked why this group is so unhappy when they are so attractive, Dr. Bradford shook her head. “We honestly don’t know. This is turning everything we’ve ever believed on its head.” The findings were only reinforced when one of the researchers, Dr. Coulier, lost 50 pounds and still hated herself. “This whole time I blamed my weight for my depression, when it turns out the problem might be much deeper.” Dr. Bradford is determined to find answers to her questions. Once they finish studying the attractive group, Dr. Bradford hopes to move on to a group discovered last week, indigenous to the internet, who still feel sad despite getting 200+ likes on Facebook statuses.

I’m not just good at writing comedy. I can also write drama. Just give me a subject. Death? Chronic illness? Being bad at comedy? All of the above? Okay, I’ll try.

Today is a very sad day. Why, you ask? Because I have a chronic illness AND I am bad at comedy. Plus we will all die one day 🙁

STILL not convinced?

That’s fine.

If you don’t want to hire me to write comedy, then at least help me find another career. Do you know anyone high up in the hospital industry? I’d be willing to take an entry-level doctor position.


Lindsay #HireMe Lucido

Filed under: Stand-up Comedy

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