I haven’t talked about dating in a while, so let’s dive back in. Since moving to New York I haven’t been on any dates. I asked two people out, both of whom I met in real life (2 people in 2 months!?!?! Some might call me a hero), but they both rejected me (I don’t care too much, because I’m wildly successful in comedy.)
I have been on the apps though. I went through an app cleanse my last few months in Chicago because I needed a break, and plus why would I be looking for someone in Chicago when I would be moving to New York so soon? So the second I stepped off the plane I re-downloaded the apps. Before I even got my baggage from baggage claim. Okay, that’s not true, but I like that my priorities are clear.
I’ve messaged a few people on the apps, but haven’t been interested enough to meet up with any of them. I almost met up with one, but he started sounding really thirsty (for you older generations, that means desperate), so I slinked away. For a good while though, my friends and I were concerned that he was going to start stalking me. I’ll share with you our conversation and you can be the judge of whether or not I should be scared for my life.
I’ll start off by telling you it was on Bumble. For those of you who don’t know, on Bumble when you match with someone, the girl has 24 hours to message their match or else the match disappears. (This is going to be very heteronormative for a sec, but I don’t know how else to explain it.) But guys get like one extension a day or something, for when a girl hasn’t messaged him and he wants to give her another day to think on it.
Within 5 minutes of me matching with this dude, he extended our time, giving me 48 hours to message him. Whoa dude. How do you even know I wasn’t going to message you? Something about that extension was a real turn-off. Like, you’re clearly not confident. What’s wrong with you that you are so desperate? I eventually folded and messaged him. He was cute and in med school, which was appealing. I messaged him something about puns because he had 3 puns in his bio. He messaged back immediately: “I was hoping you’d message me but in case u didn’t my plan was to call it a night and rewatch Harry Potter and play Nintendo switch *cry laughing emoji*”. A little back and forth happened, and then he gave me his number. I promptly texted him.
Some more back and forth. He told me about med school. He went to a school in the Caribbean. I looked at the school’s website (yes, I needed to know the deal with his school). On the school’s homepage, the main text was something like “Didn’t get into med school? Don’t want to wait another year? Come to the Caribbean.” I had never realized the Caribbean schools were so open about being a back-up choice. They didn’t even mask it in some “Want to study somewhere warm?” That also turned me off. I know that’s stupid and judgmental. My friends who are in med school told me it’s really not that uncommon, and that med school is really hard to get into. Another friend told me to give him a shot. So we discussed getting coffee.
At first I was down, but then his desperation started peeking through his texts. Saying things like, “Let’s hang out tonight” and “Please come over”. So I changed my mind and told him I was too busy. I used the excuse that I was having some issues with signing my lease (which wasn’t untrue) that I needed to deal with. I figured I’d give him another shot later in the week. After I told him I was having issues with my lease, he goes “Wait u need a place to stay?” to which I responded “Well I have a place until February 10th, but I’m subletting. Trying to find a permanent place” (this was around January 29th). He responded “My inner goodness says to help u and let u crash with till [sic] u find something. but then stranger danger haha”. Here’s what he was probably thinking: “She can come stay with me…hmmmm…social norms say that’s not a good idea. I should address that and then add a ‘haha'”. But I can assure you, him saying “haha” didn’t soften the creep factor.
I responded “You literally haven’t met me…lol”. I’d say that lol was properly placed. I didn’t want to be too mean. I canceled the date, but figured I’d give him a chance to calm down, and maybe we could meet up eventually. But then he kept insisting that I come over. I told him I was going to hang out with friends that night and he said “Bummer I wanted to go watch spiderverse with you lol”. RUDE that he assumed I hadn’t seen Spider-Man Into the Spider-verse yet. “Will u be at ur friends all night?” I responded with a simple, to the point, “Yes”. He went “Dammit! Loll”. This dude really tries to hide his desperation with “lol”s and haha”s. It wasn’t working. I, being the kind gentleman I am, responded “Sorry!” I wasn’t actually sorry.
“It’s okay I guess. Will ur plans change over the weekend? Maybe see you tmo? (Or fingers crossed later tonight)”. UMMMMMM, sorry dude. I just told you I’d be with my friends all night. Crossing your fingers won’t change my mind. I politely (yes, I AM perfect in my version of this story) said I may have time the next day. He goes “Are u sure I can’t interest you in pancakes and oh u know a great time *smiley face*”. Did he mean…like…sex? I didn’t want to assume.
“What do you mean?”
“I meant come over later tonight and be bamboozled with breakfast tomorrow *smiley emojis*”. I didn’t respond, so he followed up: “Hm silence isn’t good… *sweating smiley face emoji*” Again, I didn’t respond. Another follow-up: “Now you’re scaring me haha where’d ya go? Everything okay?” I figured he needed me to be more direct than I had previously been.
“yeah. I’m just not interested”
“Ah gotcha. Well I guess it was nice speaking to you and i donno maybe your just down Cus of the whole lease thing but if u change ur mind let me know! Nothing a good cup of tea movies and laughs can’t do to cheer you up *smiley face emoji*” Wow. He got the very clear message, and was surprisingly understanding. At least, that’s what I thought.
The next morning at 11:43 am he sent me: “Morning *smiley face emoji*”. I didn’t respond, because I figured me telling him I wasn’t interested was pretty clear. He texted me again at 5:27 pm. “You down to go watch spiderverse with me?” Had he forgotten our text conversation from the night before? The one where he seemed totally understanding? I didn’t respond.
A few days passed with no text. I figured he had finally gotten the VERY OBVIOUS hint. But then I opened my Bumble and saw a new message from him. I guess he was worried I got a new phone number or something. He wrote: “Sooo what happened to you ?? *Cry laughing emoji*”. I think I rolled my eyes hard enough for him to hear. I responded again: “I said I wasn’t interested”. A couple hours later he responded:
“Ok hear me out – what if we end up becoming the very best of friends!!! What if we matched for a reason *shrugging guy emoji*. If u weren’t interested u would have unmatched me no?”. I rolled my eyes even louder this time, but didn’t respond. A few hours later, another message from him:
“Anything? Seriously though I don’t want to boast or anything but IF you think of copulating me with I’m more than certain you will fall in love with me. Of course I’m already physically attracted to you and all. And ur fiery personality is a huge turn on soooo I’m just saying this should totally happen. Probably the best decision of ur life” Really confident for a guy who had just been rejected 3 times by the same woman. Just THINKING about copulating with him was supposed to make me fall in love with him? Also, fiery personality? What makes someone’s personality fiery? Rejecting you? I didn’t respond. Then HE had the AUDACITY to UNMATCH ME! As if I had done something wrong. Rude.
So that’s been the most exciting thing to happen to me since moving to New York. No celebrity sightings or embarrassing public falls have outshone that conversation.
And if you’d like to be featured in one of my future blog posts………………………ask yourself why.
Until next time,
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