You may have seen my recent submission to The Bachelor. It got a great response, but unfortunately Chris Harrison has yet to contact me about a callback. With the Chicago open casting call happening tomorrow, I’m here to let the ABC executives know that I can take a hint. They clearly think I’d be better suited for The Bachelorette, which in retrospect, makes so much more sense. I have a huge personality, and as a contestant on The Bachelor I would overshadow my competitors with my charm and wit, which would put me at an unfair advantage.
As a competitor, I’d be at risk of winning the hearts of millions of viewers, making it impossible for the bachelor to pick anyone who wasn’t me without considerable backlash from the public. I wouldn’t want our relationship to be predicated on the subjective, yet evidence-based, opinions of millions of viewers. The only fair solution would obviously be to center the show around me.
Although, if you would be so kind as to indulge me, here’s how I would introduce myself on the first night if I were a contestant on The Bachelor. I’d exit the limo and trip, showing my human and relatable side. I’m not like those other girls who know how to walk in heels and own a bra in the right size. After tripping a couple more times, I’d get to the bachelor, and crack one of my classic one-liners. Something like: “I have a list on my computer of all the guys I’ve ever slept with. Right now it’s called New Document”. Really get him laughing. Then I would overplay my awkward, yet endearing persona and avoid eye contact. If that doesn’t win the hearts of millions of viewers, then nothing will.
But the ABC executives and Chris Harrison have made it clear that I won’t be on The Bachelor anytime soon, so here are 5 reasons why I’d make a fantastic bachelorette:
1. A big question on The Bachelor and Bachelorette is whether everyone is there for the right reasons. Are they there for love, or are they just there to promote their blossoming protein powder business? If I were the bachelorette, you wouldn’t have to question my intentions. I have always wanted to be on this television program, so you know my intentions right off the bat: To be on The Bachelorette. If those aren’t the purest intentions, then I need someone to redefine “pure”.
2. People like to see relatable TV. And boy, am I relatable. Hey ladies, you ever wish your cab driver a safe flight when they drop you off at the airport? Or how about fall into someone’s lap on the train (wasn’t the meet-cute I’d hoped it would be)? I have done both of these things, plus more that I’m too ashamed to admit. I’m just like you. Except I’m on TV and you’re sitting at home watching me.
3. A lot of drama on this show stems from drunkenness. And that provides a lot of entertainment. Unfortunately, I don’t drink, but you know what’s more dramatic than a drunk encounter? A half-drunk, half-sober encounter. Because I’ll remember EVERYTHING. If a contestant and the bachelorette get in a drunk argument, they can laugh it off the next morning because they were both wasted. But if someone comes at me, I’ll remember. I’ll remember because it hurt my feelings when they called me a straight-edge. Do they know how many of my friends do drugs?
4. Crying makes for great television, and I cry very easily. When I was younger I broke down in tears because I “realized I’ll probably never meet The Jonas Brothers”. I was 16 when that happened, so not long ago enough to make that a reasonable response. I also started crying my sophomore year of college because I was overwhelmed by the number of pizzas being passed out on my swim team’s bus trip back to school. I wish I could say it’s a long story with many nuances, but it’s exactly what it sounds like. There was too much movement of pizza.
Things I might cry at if I’m the bachelorette? If the guys makes more eye contact with each other than with me. If the contestants have inside jokes they won’t let me in on. If a contestant doesn’t like me enough. If a contestant likes me too much. The possibility for crying is endless. And that’s good TV.
5. I’m pretty inexperienced romantically and sexually. How fun would it be for my first 10 relationships to be filmed and broadcast across the world? You think your first relationship was weird because you were 12 and didn’t even know their last name? Imagine your first relationship being weird because you’re 24 and are also dating 9 of their roommates. Come along with me as I go on my first 4th date, learn what foreplay is, and discover that The Fantasy Suite isn’t where we discuss what we would do with our lives if money didn’t matter.
Those are my five compelling reasons why I’d make the perfect bachelorette. While hundreds of attractive people flock to The Westin Michigan Avenue tomorrow for your casting call, think of how many views your show would get if the bachelorette were an awkward stand-up comic from Chicago who gets overwhelmed by pizza. Also, your ratings would go through the roof if you introduced me to The Jonas Brothers 8 years after my break-down.
I’ll be waiting for a call, or an email to Imnotokcupidblog@gmail.com. Thanks for the consideration.
Love, Your Future Bachelorette
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