10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity

10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity

Virginity is a stupid concept, but I thought this would be a fun list. Also know that sex is whatever you consider it to be, and you’re not “ruined” after you’ve had it.

10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity

1. When to use commas. I often overuse the little buggers, because they’re fun. Plus I think it makes things easier to read. But I’m pretty confident I use them too often, because people constantly tell me I use them too often. But hey, I’d rather use too many commas than have you thinking that I need a peanut butter and jelly and batteries sandwich, am I right!? Not sure if that’s a solid argument.

2. How to tell the New York skyline apart from the Chicago skyline. Yes, I’m aware that New York has The Empire State building, and Chicago has the John Hancock Center, but they’re both just tall buildings. If you include Navy Pier or the Bean in the picture, I can for sure identify it. But not everyone is considerate enough to include hints.

3. What can safely go in the oven. This can also go for the microwave and dishwasher. I have had to google “Can toothpicks go in the oven?”, and I’m still not entirely sure of the answer. I have spent far too long trying to read the small print on plastic items that supposedly say if it is dishwasher or microwave-safe. That print is impossible to read and clearly wasn’t written with people like me in mind.

4. How to work Google Docs. I use Google Docs a lot for projects, and I’m not as efficient as I’d like to be, because most of my time is spent trying to figure out how to make two pictures not lay on top of each other. Also, how do I find the document once I’ve exited? I click on the folder the document is supposedly in, and it’s never there. So I have to go back to the email in which the link was sent.

5. What the Dow Jones is. I’m not even sure how to type it. Dow Jones? DOW Jones? DOW JONES? I’m pretty sure it has to do with stock, and I know people get upset when it goes down. But not entirely sure why. Do you invest in the Dow Jones? Could I be like, “Yes, I’d like to buy 40 shares of the Dow Jones please”? I googled it, and this graph came up. Down almost 500 points…Wow. That’s either really bad, really good, or somewhere in the middle. The number is in red, so I assume it’s bad.


6. First 1,000 digits of pi. One of my favorite jokes I’ve seen floating around the internet was tweeted by Al Yankovic 4 years ago: “I’ve memorized all the digits of pi. Just not in the right order.” Absolutely brilliant. But, it would be cool to be able to spout off more than “3.141592”. But I’m not willing to commit much more than 10 minutes to this project, so I’ll most likely lose my virginity first. 

7. How to drive. I never learned. I had my permit for a little, but I was astoundingly bad. My dad made me take the driver’s test to get over my anxiety about it. After 30 seconds of driving, the test proctor nervously asked, “HOW long did you say you’ve been driving for?” I subsequently failed because I drove “dangerously slow”. Hey Dad, that didn’t fix my anxiety. I’ll just wait for self-driving cars.

8. Why Dick is a nickname for Richard. Did someone just have a really bad run-in with a dude named Richard? Did that encounter sour that person to all Richards? Seems like a bit of an overgeneralization. I’m sure some Richards aren’t total Dicks.

9. My boob size. I wish I could tell you what size bra to surprise me with on my birthday, although are we even that close? Kind of weird that you want to buy me a bra. Rumor has it Victoria’s Secret sizes bras differently to make us feel confident in our tits. I own bras as small as 32 A and as big as 36 DD. And none of them fit.

10. When is meat safe to eat? I see people eat red meat all the time, and I always thought that red meant it wasn’t safe to eat. Also, what does rare mean? Is that when it’s undercooked or overcooked? I don’t eat meat, but I might need to make it sometime, and I really try to avoid poisoning people. It’s a social faux pas, and I’ll never get invited to Tiffany’s Christmas party if I killed her whole family last year.


If anyone has all the answers, please contact me. Looking for someone to help me through life.

Filed under: Dating

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