How Not to Date While Pursuing Stand-Up Comedy

“How do you balance your dating life and stand-up comedy?” someone probably asked someone at some point. No one has asked me that. But I feel like some of you might wonder. In all honesty, I haven’t been dating much recently. The last date I went on was a few months ago, and I got bored of him. But I’m super picky (and not hot enough to be so picky).

When I first started doing open mics regularly, I didn’t want to miss a night. I would go to 1-3 most nights. But I was also trying to date. And most dates happen at night, when most open mics happen. But I came up with the perfect solution: I would just bring my dates to open mics!

I met the guy this post is about on OKCupid. He must have charmed me at least a little, because we made plans to go on a date. Now my initial plan was to meet up with him at a mic a couple hours before it started so that I could secure my place in line, get my flirt on, and then kick him out when the mic started.

But this guy wasn’t very timely, and got there about 10 minutes before the mic started. I didn’t want to be rude and cut our date off after 10 minutes, but I also didn’t want him to watch me do an open mic.

I went up, and all was fine. I did well. He thought I was funny. Now my plans were to ditch him and go to another mic. My plan would’ve succeeded, if it weren’t for this goddamned nice comic friend of mine.

He came up to us and asked if we were going to another mic down the street. I said, “Oh, I am, but he’s not. It’s just so boring. He won’t have any fun.” And then my comic friend said, “No! He should come! It’s so much fun!” My date said he would love to come. I again told him how boring it would be, but my comic friend kept encouraging him to come. Apparently no one got the hint that I wasn’t enjoying this date, so we planned on going to the other mic together.

A couple of my friends were driving over and asked if I wanted to come. I looked at my date and said, “I think it’d be better if I just went alone,” and my friends and I walked out. I looked back in through the window and saw my date surrounded by people he didn’t know. I had just abandoned him. And I felt bad. But it wasn’t until I got in the car with my friends and they shamed me, that I decided to turn around.

I walked back into the bar and chuckled. “Haha, why didn’t you come with me? You must have misunderstood. Let’s go to this mic!” Nicely played. The classic “you misunderstood me” line. I didn’t feel like an asshole anymore, but I did feel like a pushover.

We got to the next location and I had to wait a while until my turn on stage. My date asked me to go outside with him while he smoked a cigarette. I don’t smoke, but I’m usually fine accompanying people to do so. Just me and him, and the longest cigarette I have ever experienced. I swear it barely burned. It took him a good 10 minutes to go through it, which would have been fine if I was in the least bit attracted to him.

After a while I couldn’t handle being in his company anymore, so I told him I was headed out. We hugged and exchanged fake pleasantries. He walked towards the brown line, and I walked in whichever way was not the brown line. A few feet away I hid behind a building until he was out of sight, at which point I casually walked back to the open mic where all my friends were.

When people asked me why I didn’t like him, I didn’t really have a good answer. I probably said he breathed funny, or his eye contact was weird. I’m picky in a self-sabotaging kind of way.

A couple days later he called me and left a message, because of course I didn’t want to pick up. I actually still have the message saved on my phone, because I knew it would come in handy one day. He said, “Hey, it’s (me). I have something really, really important to tell you, so please call me back.” I was with my family at the time, so I just texted him, “What’s up?” To which he replied, “I need to know what movie we’re going to see next week.” I don’t know if I responded and broke his heart, or if he’s still waiting patiently by his phone, but I never saw him again.

We may be Facebook friends though, so I should be careful about my privacy settings on this post.

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