My Actual First Kiss

I almost had my first kiss at the age of 20. But a power greater than my hormones had other plans for me. A year after my almost-first-kiss, I was back home from college for Winter break. I was going to comedy open mics trying to improve my natural talent (and I don’t mean “talent” the way sleazy dads say their waitresses are “talented”).

For those of you not in the comedy scene, open mics aren’t the best places to meet future lovers. Mostly because guys don’t come up to me after hearing about my bowel movements and ask me out. My bowel movement material has never spoken to someone.

But at this particular mic, a guy started flirting with me before he saw me do stand-up, so he was trapped. We were joking around and in the midst of a joke he said, “We should go out sometime”. I laughed at the ridiculous, yet appealing, proposal. “Haha, yeah we should like go out”. I rolled my eyes.

“No, but seriously”. The laughter abruptly stopped and I said, “Yeah, sure”. I was going back to school in a week, and how cool would it be to come back one kiss richer? If you’ve read my first blog post, you know this was a big deal for me, and I needed to study. Preparing for the big date, I watched hours of kissing tutorials on YouTube, as any college girl does.

Unfortunately, this date was in the vague future, and I was going back to school. I had to make it real. I obsessively texted him and reminded him that we needed to hang out. He acquiesced and we went to a bar where I watched him drink from the rim of my Diet Coke.

Based on all body language and actual language, the date was going horribly. I was painfully awkward, he barely talked, and I apologized every other minute for being so awkward. But what do you know, he invited me back to his apartment, like a real gentleman. “Wow, he must really like me!” I thought. Haha, I was wrong.

I immediately agreed because I was hoping to put my YouTube research to use. We turned on The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and pretty immediately started kissing. I still don’t understand what that movie was about, but I have a feeling that wasn’t just because I wasn’t paying attention. The plot seems very convoluted.

The kiss ended and I mumbled, “That was my first kiss”, to which the guy responded, “What?” He didn’t hear me, so I dismissed the statement. Turns out he did hear me that night, but didn’t believe me, so thought he heard wrong. Those YouTube videos paid off!

Now that I was 21 I could finally relate to the pre-teen I babysat! I was going back to college with history on my lips. You bet I texted over 10 of my friends on the way home.

I wouldn’t recommend having your first kiss with someone you won’t be in the same State as, because now that I had a taste for the lips, I wanted more. But it would be another 7 weeks before I’d be home again.

So I made myself a countdown on my dorm room wall and looked forward to crossing out the numbers each night. To avoid over-texting him, I was instructed to text my therapist whenever I was feeling the urge to text him. My therapist is brave for putting up with my, “U up?” texts. I fell into a deep depression. I wouldn’t say it was caused by the distance, but the distance didn’t help.

Now we’re happily married. Just kidding! But I do run into him occasionally and we’re cordial.

What I’m trying to say is, I’d be terrible in a long-distance relationship, because this wasn’t even kind of a relationship and I was crumbling. Actually, I take that back. If you want to date me but live far away, I’m lonely enough to make it work.

Filed under: Dating, Past

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