How to Date When You're Loved and Respected

A few months ago I was at a comedy open mic at a bar and five guys told me they loved and/or respected me. Not one of them asked me out. That’s fine, I guess. I’m respected. A lot of my female friends have the opposite problem; guys just want to hook up with them, but they don’t care at all about who she is as a person. And I’d much rather people think I’m funny than hot (I mean, ideally they’d think both, but if I had to choose one…)

I had very mixed feelings about my night. It had been a year since I had made out with anyone, so I was feeling a little unloveable. Actually, that’s the wrong word. I was feeling a little un-make-out-able. Don’t conflate love with hooking up, kids!  But I ended up kind of upset that night. How were my friends having these romantic encounters? Part of me wanted a guy to come up to me and say, “You’re so sexy.” Instead they were saying, “Whoever you end up with is going to be very lucky. You’re so awesome.” And I just sat there thinking, “You could be so lucky! Date me!”

I used to have a crush on one of the guys who consistently tells me how much he loves me. Of course, my way of flirting was asking him about all the girls he was hooking up with, you know, like a player. I tend to bro out when I’m into someone. I slouch more, talk about hot girls, say “dude” more, probably even deepen my voice. I don’t know how I learned this style of flirting. It’s not effective.

So this guy became one of my close friends and I’d go over to his apartment sometimes to hang out. On one particular night I went over to write with him. We got bored of writing and turned on Magic Mike. If you’ve seen Magic Mike, you know that it’s incredibly sexy. Lots of guys in very little clothing. And my crush and I watched the whole movie from separate couches. That’s how you flirt, right? You barely acknowledge their existence and keep your distance? Good, then I’m doing great.

We acknowledged, on several occasions, how hot the movie was. But I’m pretty sure I left his apartment that night with a nice high five, which was honestly more action than I’d seen in a year.

Last night I hung out with him and a few of the other guys who love and respect me. We ended up all hanging out at one of their apartments. It was me and three guys, and one of the weirdest nights of my life. They bro’d out, and I watched. I couldn’t help but smile, though, because I felt like I was included in this weird circle of friendship that was reserved for the cool kids. If they just thought I was hot, I doubt I would’ve been there, and that would’ve made me sad.

So how should I date? I don’t know. I’ve been told I should look outside the comedy community by several people, which is probably a good idea. Because I really enjoy being loved and respected.

Filed under: Crush, Dating

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