Meet My Friend, the Friend Zone

Wow, what a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. Full of dates, dating app message exchanges, and blog posts. You probably think I’m the girl who has everything: A hot bod, great personality, and guys flooding my inbox. And you’d be right. But sometimes I get friend-zoned, just like you. Usually this happens with guys I meet in person, but a couple months ago I got friend-zoned by a guy I hadn’t even met yet, which, if you ask me, is an accomplishment, especially since he contacted me first.

Things started out normal. He messaged me on OKCupid: “Date, bang or dump between salsa, guac, and queso?” Very charming. I responded. My answer must have left an impression, because he gave me his number and said we should text since he “hate(d) this app”—classic. For several days he initiated contact and seemed more into me than I was into him, but I guess my hormones shifted, and I became the pursuer. Soon enough he stopped texting first. Then, when I tried to hang out with him, he claimed Purim would take up all his time, which has to be the only time anyone has used their Judaism to get out of a date. I told him my mother is Jewish, and I’ve never celebrated Purim, but I’d love to start with him. He didn’t take the bait.

It looked like this wasn’t going to happen, but he never said, “I don’t want to hang out”. He kept saying he’d be freer the next week. So I sent him a brilliant meme that said “Keep calm because I can take a hint”. He thought it was funny, but I clearly hadn’t taken a hint, because I continued to text him. Even after alluding to the fact that he may be a Trump supporter, I persisted. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if he actually liked Trump, or was so desperate to get me to leave him alone that he’d let me think less of him.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a comedian. So I did what any comedian in my situation would do. I posted a Facebook status: “I’m trying to prove to a guy on OKCupid that I’m cool. Comment with how cool I am and I’ll screenshot and send to him. Thanks!” And boy did my fans pull through. 48 likes and dozens of comments later, I was set. Some of the screenshots I sent him said, “You’ve done the worm on stage”, “One of the coolest people I know”, “One of the best comics in Chicago under 25”, and “You’re ok”.

I thought I won him over because he sent a lot of smiley faces, “haha”s, and even said, “Alright you win. We can hang out” which is exactly the level of enthusiasm I’m looking for in a future partner. I thought I had found my husband. But he kept avoiding hanging out. What finally gave him away? He told me I should try to date his friend who also does stand-up (we only had 4 mutual friends on Facebook, so I doubt he did much stand-up). Now I’m not a mind reader, but I have a hunch that he wasn’t looking to get into a polyamorous relationship with this stand-up comic and me. He was most likely trying to pawn me off on some other guy. If you’re reading this and feel sorry for me, please don’t. I laughed more when he told me that than I had in a long time.

And honestly, him setting me up with his friend was a plot twist none of my readers saw coming.

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