Category: smokes

Do You Identify as a Woman? Welcome to Your Pre-Existing Conditions

Here is a listing I found of pre-existing conditions: AIDS Alcoholism/Alcohol Abuse (within 7 years) Angioplasty Aortic Stenosis Arteriosclerotic Heart Disease Ascites (within 5 years) Bi-Polar Disorder Boecks Sarcoidosis By-pass surgery Cancer (other than skin cancer)/Malignant Melanoma² Cerebral Vascular Accident Cerebral Vascular Disease Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (if currently smoking) Chronic Pancreatitis Chronic Renal Failure... Read more »

Cigarette Burned Gloves Remind Me

As we were out walking last weekend – my little family and I – lucky to be all bundled and padded, my girl let out her primal shriek of I HAVE BOOGIES! Which means I scramble to find something to wipe with, most times a kleenex or a burp cloth but today we were winging... Read more »

It's Just a Television Series: My Thoughts on the Mad Men Finale

There are far more qualified folks to write about Mad Men than I, yet I’m in mourning so I do what I know to do, I write. I’m clawing my way through the muck this morning listening to a Mad Men soundtrack on Spotify and sobbing my eyes out. People ask me what it is... Read more »

You looked kind of drunk

“You looked kind of drunk in that picture you sent me last night.” My husband casually said that the next day and I didn’t think anything of it. Kind of laughed it off.  Until we were out for a walk with our twin toddlers and it hit me. “Did you seriously think I was drinking... Read more »

Holiday Stress is Stressful

It’s here, people!  Look alive, now.  It’s the Schmolidays stress in full effect!  For me, it has nothing to do with gifts, as we aren’t even really doing gifts this year, for anyone.  One good thing about being broke with twins is no stress about gifts.  People understand.  For me, it’s all about stress with... Read more »

You Should Probably Ask Someone Who Has Kids

I’ve noticed something lately.  People ask me things.  About babies.  What I think about certain things.  They relate with me about things that I still don’t quite believe are happening in my life. My gut responses are as follows: “Why are you asking ME?”  “I don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no babies!” “Why don’t you ask someone... Read more »

What Femininity Means to Me Today

So, right before I pump, you know, when I’m at my moment of explosion,  I like to strut around and act like Joanie Holloway-Harris because that’s the closest my décolletage and profile will ever be to hers.  Now, if only I could smoke and drink in moderation to make it really fantastical…..a girl can dream, right?  Moderation?  AS IF.   Photo courtesy of the... Read more »

I Get to be a Mom

This piece was originally performed at Write Club Chicago 2 years ago.  What’s Write Club you ask?  Click that link to see the majesty that is Write Club.  Thank you, Ian. Whose babies are these and why are they smiling at me?  These two tiny lunatics swaddled in their baby straight jackets.  I think they... Read more »

I Still Miss Smoking

My husband is out tonight for a few hours and OF COURSE it crosses my mind to light up.  I could have a smoke outside in the dark alley because the babies are sleeping and he’s out and I could shower afterwards and nobody would ever know.  NOBODY WOULD EVER KNOW.  That is the alcoholic... Read more »