Christmas Movie Characters Sum Up My 12 Dates in 2016

I talk to dozens and dozens of dudes every year, so whenever someone asks me why I’m still single, I take this time to sum up all of my dating adventures over the last 365 days. It’s a lot of work, but it’s also a lot of fun! This year, I saw my friend’s blog post assigning Christmas movie characters to his fraternity folks, and I knew I just had to steal this idea to recap my 12 dates of 2016.

Frank (Scrooged): I use the word “date” loosely on this one because I met this guy at the bar, but we chatted most of the night even though he was pretty arrogant and inconsiderate, like Frank. It wasn’t until he asked if I would join him and his wife for a threesome that I finally walked away. Lots of similarities between these two guys, including when Frank was visited by three ghosts in Scrooged … see what I did there?


Cousin Eddie (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation): This is the guy who started the date asking if his “Hi There” line on Tinder made me moist and ended with him asking the waitress if she had any weed. There is no better character to describe him than Cousin Eddie.


Willie T. Stoke (Bad Santa): This guy I thought was actually going to kidnap me. I met up with him for about 45 minutes before my friends were planning to join us, and as soon as they got there, we had to devise a plan to make sure we all walked away with our money and our body parts.


Graham (The Holiday): I had fun with this guy, especially out listening to live music at the bars. He was smooth, but it was obvious that I wasn’t the only one he was using his game on. I actually met some of the girls on his “list”. But let’s be honest, I liked the attention, so we hung out quite a bit while keeping him at friends-length.


Buddy (Elf): This guy was nice, but we were on two completely different pages. Talking to him was kinda like having a conversation with someone who grew up in the North Pole thinking he was an elf. Our date was during the MLB playoffs, so when I asked him if he was cheering for the Cubs, he asked me what sport that was, and I knew that just wasn’t going to work out.


Jessica Riggs (Prancer): It fits perfectly that this sweet guy is a female character because he actually had a girl’s name in real life, and he worked with animals. He was extremely nice, but his introvert personality didn’t mesh with mine. He asked to meet for a drink, but when we got there, I found out that he actually doesn’t drink. That was completely cool with me, but when the waiter asked if we would be staying for a second drink, he looked like a deer in headlights when he asked me what kind of beer he should get. It was obvious he didn’t want to order one, and I wished he had the confidence to stay true to himself.


Howard Langston (Jingle All The Way): Another amazingly sweet guy, and this one would do anything for his kids. It was awesome to see such a devoted Dad, but the drama with the ex made it impossible to spend time together.


John McClane (Diehard): I am lucky that among the craziness, I met some great guys this year, but some of them also had things to work through. This guy signed his divorce papers a few days after he met me, but was ready to jump right into another relationship. With his intense travel schedule and the vibe that made me think he wasn’t over his ex yet, he went almost immediately into the friend zone.


Ralphie (A Christmas Story): Holy cow, did I have fun with this guy! He was up for anything and always going full speed ahead, but that also led to him making some bad decisions. Just like Ralphie, he talked about guns, real and BB, a lot. I really was afraid he would shoot his eye out.


Nick (Fred Clause): A widow, this special guy moved quickly because “tomorrow is not guaranteed”. He was open, honest and put me first every time. When he made omelettes for breakfast, he made mine last so it didn’t get cold. I mean, c’mon, that’s a good dude. I wish I had been ready for someone so great, but the timing was just off, so I’m lucky to have another friend … who can cook!


The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas): This one got off to a strange start. After just a few texts, he threw me into the friend zone, and I was okay with that. I told him that he could be part of our wolfpack if he wanted to meet some friends out for a drink for another Cubs’ playoff game. After spending a little time together that night, he texted, “I like u, like u”, but I was honest and told him that I wasn’t feeling it. Like the Grinch, this guy did a total 180 and still spends our time together trying to convince me that I should give him a chance. Even when someone makes a drastic change, things don’t always fall into place.


Frosty (Frosty the Snowman):  This guy blew me away with the connection we instantly had. We had similar personalities and laughed until our faces hurt. Unfortunately, you never knew which guy you were going to get because he wasn’t ready for a relationship, which he reminded me of often, but his actions usually said something different. He was hot and cold from the beginning. Frosty was magical when he wore his hat, but he was a puddle of water when he didn’t. This guy’s inability to commit to wearing the hat everyday made it impossible to build a relationship even though he couldn’t deny there was definitely something special between us. While I was disappointed, I believe I met this guy to remind me that this type of connection is possible, so I will spend 2017 looking for it with someone who’s ready.


Christmas with the Kranks: This movie sums up the dozens of guys who chatted with me for days, weeks or even months, but we never met. I am not exaggerating. I had at least one point of contact (e.g. message on Tinder, phone number exchanged at the bar) with over a hundred guys this year. While only meeting up with 12 guys might sound like a horribly-low percentage, vetting people out in advance means avoiding dates I knew weren’t going to amount to anything. Sometimes I rather just be alone.


Kevin (Home Alone): Every encounter, despite how brief, contributed to an amazing year of growth for me, as well as the growth of new friendships with the guys who weren’t frightful. So this holiday season, I feel like Kevin from Home Alone who made a wish to be by himself for the holidays. As I was heading into November, I knew that’s what I wanted too. Well, alone through Christmas at least so I can spend all of my time with family and friends! But then it’s back on December 26th when I have a date with a pretty awesome guy I’ve been chatting with this month. Bring on 2017!


What were your best and worst days of the year? Did they remind you of any Christmas characters? What did you learn from the experience?

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