I’m a writer. Obviously. Texting is my jam. I try to be interesting, funny and engaging with every text. I don’t spend a ton of time on what I write, although I do proofread them before I hit send, but it’s fair to say that when I’m trying to get a guy’s attention, the text is pretty buttoned up.
I’m also an advice giver. Obviously. I give advice to people who don’t even want it. On first dates, I’ve told guys who they can improve their profile, including a guy I actually wanted to go out with again. It’s just what I do.
Because I talk fondly about Tinder, a lot of the haters ask me why I like it so much. Guys usually want to see the other guys on there so they have an idea of what their competition is. I walk them through my profile telling them why I chose the photos in my profile and how I decided on the short, but sweet text to describe me. Of course, I then tell them what I would do with their profile. For one of my girl friends, just a few minutes after we made the changes, she was matching with guys like crazy the rest of the night. It’s all about the marketing.
When I’ve been doing this the last three months, guy friends that I’ve been visiting in different cities have taken my phone to show me what they would do if they were me. And all of them think it’s awesome to always swipe right. When you do that, you match with a lot of people in a short amount of time, so in just a few minutes they were sending messages to these guys. Dumb, silly, ridiculous messages. They just wrote whatever was in their head and sent it without thinking. I didn’t think anyone would respond to what was clearly a weirdo on the other end. I was wrong.
I matched with a guy name Joe when I was visiting New York, so my friend started the conversation:
Me: Hey peter
Joe: Hey awesome! What are you up to?
Me: Tinder baby
Joe: So, what are we doing? What’s your location?
Joe: Me too. Let’s hangout.
Joe: I’m in Jersey City. Do you live by yourself? Tired … Let’s cuddle … XXX-XXX-XXXX Text me. Going back home from friends …
Me: I only cuddle with tigers. are you a tiger
Joe: Yes. You cuddle with tigers. What do you do with men? Make love? How bad are you?
Me: On a scale of one to Pi I’m a 3*pi/2
Joe: 270 degrees. I like that. You are a math genius too huh?
Me: Kelvin though …
Joe: Let’s do some math together then. You are not bad at all if it’s a Kelvin scale. Gimme your number. Let me call
Me: It’s the first 9 digits of the Fibonacci sequence squared
Joe: Lol what the hell are you talking about? Are you tipsy? 8th Fibonacci: 13, 8th: 21, 9th: 34. Your logic doesn’t work. Let alone square of the first 9 Fibonacci numbers.
Me: You’re confusing Fibonacci with number. I’m sorry, but you lose. I don’t sleep with people who don’t understand semantics
Joe: Which also means that it’s your lose as well, as you can’t see me.
Joe (a few hours later): I fell asleep sorry (lol I’m glad I did). *loss
The next morning he messaged:
Joe: Morning! Hope you are not busy today teaching the semantics of Fibonacci.
What in the world? Why would this guy continue to message me? I’m clearly a weirdo! And of course after I saw that they wrote all of this, I sent him a message back to apologize.
The Real Me: Hey! One of my friends took my phone last night … sorry for that ridiculous conversation!
Joe: Hey! No worries. What your actual location? If there is no possibility of meeting, I don’t waste our time Tracie.
The Real Me: I don’t live in New York and never get back to New York.
Joe: When are you back here again? We should have met for at least one drink.
Me: I don’t have any plans to be back in NYC.
Joe (the next day): Morning! Not a bad idea to meet up someone where else. You must have an interesting job Tracilicious!
And that was the end of that conversation. But seriously, how did it get that far? Did he really just want to hook up? How much time do you spend crafting your messages? Do you find that the ones you toss out there without much thought actually get a better response?