Every year around the NFL Draft, I wish there was a dating draft. It would start with a combine to weed out the top prospects. I don’t need hundreds of men doing physical challenges. I think a dozen would do.
I read this year that the NFL is talking about changing up the drills at the combine so they are catered more toward the position they play. Does anyone really care how fast an offensive lineman jogs the 40-yard dash?
So that got me thinking about how I could change up the NFL concept so I can stop wishing for my own draft, but actually create one. I can do the combine and the draft all in one day because I don’t need physical challenges like the 40-yard dash, bench press, vertical jump, broad jump, 3 cone drill, 20-yard shuttle or the 60-yard shuttle. The only physical challenge I really need is whether or not I’m attracted to them.
And then from there the:
Height Test: I like a guy who is taller than me, so that’s pretty easy to gauge. If they’re sitting down, I just need to pay attention when they get up for the restroom to make note. Luckily, I’m not that tall so that’s a majority of the guys.
Age Test: I’m getting pretty good at guessing ages just from looking at a guy, but to make sure he’s at least near my age, there are some easy ways to get this info out of them. During the NFL Draft weekend, I will reference draft picks from the late 90s. Like when the Rams are on the clock, I can say, remember when Orlando Pace was drafted as the number one pick? Would’ve been nice if the Bears had gotten him earlier in his career, eh? If he says something like, “I was in junior high when Pace was drafted,” then I politely excuse myself.
Fun Test: Is this guy a dud? That’s easy to spot without even talking to him. If he’s not laughing or even smiling, that’s a problem. No other testing necessary.
That’s about all I care about before I would draft someone for a first date, but once he’s been drafted, I would work on the:
Job Test: I don’t care what type of job they have. I just want to make sure they are employed. That’s usually one of the first small talk questions that comes up, “what do you do?”. If I want to be more creative, I could ask what he’s been up to this past week or what his plans are for the coming week. Unless he’s on vacation, his fun plans shouldn’t exceed a normal amount of time for a working man. I mean, I want a fun guy, but there’s gotta be a balance.
Curse Test: Does he drop f-bombs as adjectives, nouns and verbs? Or can he carry on a conversation with people of all ages? How interesting is he really?
Cheat Test: Much like the off-the-field behavior info the NFL scouts have, I am curious as to whether or not they’ve cheated in the past. And if so, like, how many times are we talking?
Friend Test: My friends are like my assistant coaches, if they don’t think he’s a good choice, there’s a chance he’s not going to make it very long.
What better day to scout out potential dates than the weekend featuring the NFL Draft, the Kentucky Derby and the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight? Bring on the guys who like sports and like to drink. They’ve already passed my first test. What things are you scouting for when you’re looking for a date?
Now if only it worked so that when I pick the guy, he has to sign with me. I don’t want to pine for an Eli Manning who turns down the team that wants him. I don’t want to be San Diego. I guess that’s up to me to prepare the best scouting report I can before making an offer. Cheers to the NFL Draft! Let’s see if I can get my number one draft pick this weekend.