My Dermatologist wants to be my Jewish mother

My Dermatologist wants to be my Jewish mother

I have different relationships with my doctors. Different sounds better than strange.

My Neurologist talks to me about classical music. Once a year, for the last five years,he starts going on about some piece of music or a concert and I just nod my head and have no idea what he’s talking about. It’s funny because the first time I met him, I mentioned writing about The Beatles. “The┬áLong And Winding Road”, with strings, is about as classical as I get. At least he knows I’m interested in some kind of music. I guess that’s a good thing.

With my other doctors it’s more personal. They do more personal exams and for some reason, I get attached to them. Oh God, I’m just realizing that it’s like sex.

I had a surgeon who performed a double hernia. When I did followups, I would flirt with her while she was doing her examination. My Gastroenterologist recently did an exam where they had to put something in my mouth that made me look like Hannibal Lecter from “Silence of the Lambs”. When she wanted to talk about books with this thing on my face, I asked her if she wanted to make out…and she laughed. I’m on a first name basis with my new primary care doc. Abby likes to ask questions about my sex life and the only one embarrassed is me.

So why should my new Dermatologist be any different?

Recently I’ve been getting emails about the upcoming Melanoma walk, Miles for Melanoma. It was a reminder that it was time to see my dermy for my six month body check. If I have a connection with my other doctors, you can figure that I also have one with a pretty woman who does a full and yes I mean TOTAL body check on me.

I’ve only been seeing her┬ásince last November, but we have already have a deal. Twice a year for body checks and twice a year for neurotic freak-outs when I think a scab is deadly Melanoma. No guilt on those. She saves that for the full body check days.

When I went in for my check-up, she noticed I had a little color in my face, which led to this conversation:
Doc: So you got a little sunburn on your face!
Me: Really? I didn’t notice (and I really didn’t).
Doc: Don’t you use sunscreen?
Me: Yeah but..
Doc: You know you should put some on every time you go out.
Me: I do when I know I’ll be in the sun.
Doc: EVERY TIME! Even just walking to the car.
Me: Sigh…yes maam…guilt
Doc: Yep…and I’m good at it. It’s that Jewish mother thing.
Me: Wonderful…I need another mother.

And this was before the exam even started. I can only imagine what she would have said of my ass was sunburned. Good thing the exam went well. Nothing major just a few pre-cancerous thingies that she removed and it was time to go…almost. One more quick chat:
Doc: Now remember sunscreen all the time.
Me: Yes mom. So how does your husband deal with the nagging?
Doc: Him, you should feel sorry for. He’s from Venezuela and had no idea about the Jewish mother thing until he met me.
Me: And he stuck around? The sex must have been incredible.
Doc: (Smirking) See ya in December.

In reality, it’s a good thing to have a physician who cares enough to make sure you’re doing the right things to stay healthy. So if it takes a little nagging to get there, it’s all good with me. Much better than my previous skin doctor who spent our five minute exams looking at his watch. Besides, it’s only a few times a year. Hmmm….it’s past time to see my gastro doc to get my tummy checked out. Maybe she’ll be wearing her skinny jeans and fuck-me heels. Plus she doesn’t do the mom guilt thing. She only tells me I remind her of her Dad.


This Sunday is the Miles for Melanoma fundraising walk. It’s at Montrose Harbor in Chicago. Click the link for all the info and there’s a couple of spots to make donations.

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