The year is 2003. MTV has this new show starring Ashton Kutcher. You guys know him from That 70’s Show. It’s basically an April Fools trick thing. You find a celebrity, play a gag on him or her, get them to fall for it, and when they’re invested in it, here comes Ashton with the cameras….PUNK’D!!!!
It’s July 2016. The week of the Republican National Convention. Donald Trump is going to be nominated for President of the United States. PUNK’D!!! What? This is for real? Nahhh…where’s Ashton?
Okay…okay…I’m all right now. But back to reality. How else can you explain the first three days of the convention?
Monday, July 18-Day One.
The early speakers are Scott Baio, yes Chachi/Charles in Charge, that Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr, yes that guy from…ummm where the Hell is he from? Does anyone know? Seriously, where did they find these D-listers? I guess Baio is qualified to speak because he’s sent out Tweets calling Hillary Clinton the nastiest name. Yeah, that should endear him to all women. Cmon, even Joanie doesn’t love him anymore. As hard as that is to believe, Antonio goes one better. He does the Obama is a Muslim and not even born here talk. The birther talk was so eight years ago.
Really…where is Ashton hiding. Hell…that’s just the beginning.
It’s time for the Melania speech. Don comes out to introduce to her Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. Queen immediately tell Trump to stop using their music. The Turtles tell him the same thing. Don is making calls to Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.
Here comes Melania. She gives a nice speech and gets good reviews from all the networks. Phew…Monday is over. It can’t get worse, can it?
Tuesday, July 19-Day Two.
It’s after midnight and before the cable networks can call it a day, word comes out that the speech appears to be plagiarized…from MICHELLE OBAMA!! Are you kidding me? Really, where is Ashton?
Tuesday morning comes and all the talk is about the speech and not in a good way. MSNBC has Scott Baio on with Tamron Hall. Yeah, when the shit is going down, he’s the guy you want on your side. In a 5-10 minute segment, Tamron and Scotty go head to head. It’s great tv. By the end, Scott goes slinking off. He gets a call from the dad on Charles in Charge. Dad no longer wants him watching those kids.
The rest of the day is spent defending Melania’s speech. She wrote it. She didn’t write it. It was just a few words out of a thousand. On and on and on…yada, yada, yada. Drama….it can’t get any worse, can it? Ashton?
Wednesday, July 20-Day Three.
It starts by finding out who really did write that speech. One of Trump’s employees fell on her sword. She admits she wrote the speech, apologizes and offers her resignation. It’s refused and life goes on. Wait, I’m confused. Didn’t Melania say she wrote her own speech? Well at least the worst is over and nothing else can go wrong, right? Phew!
Here comes the speeches. Laura Ingraham is a conservative radio talk show host and author. She’s giving a run of the mill chat that you see at all political conventions. It ends without controversy and she’s waving goodbye.
Then she did this. Oh no Laura…you really didn’t give a Nazi salute at a national political convention, did you? Sigh…well I guess that’s as bad as it can get, right? RIGHT?
Ted Cruz is going to speak. This should be good. Trump wouldn’t give him a platform unless Ted is going to endorse him, right? RIGHT?
Ted goes on….and on…and on!!! And he ends by telling voters to make sure they get out to vote in November and to VOTE THEIR CONSCIENCE!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! That can’t possibly have happened, could it? The delegates are booing Ted and here comes Don out from the shadows. Surreal!! Apparently Ted hasn’t forgiving Donnie for trashing his wife and accusing his father of being involved in the JFK assassination.
So much for party unity.
I feel like I’m forgetting something…oh yeah…Mike Pence gives a speech accepting the nomination for Vice-President. Hey…who the Hell is Mike Pence? Is he related to Scott Baio?
Thursday, July 21. Day Four.
It’s only 2pm in Cleveland. There’s still a few hours until the convention begins. Trump will give his acceptance speech and that will end the convention. Word is he’s already run the speech through some software to make sure it’s clean. It’ll be fine, right? Nothing can wrong tonight,right?
Still…..I’m expecting Ashton to pop out after the speech and telling the entire nation we’ve been Punk’d. Or maybe he’s already with the Democrats because their convention is next week. Has anyone in Philadelphia seen Ashton Kutcher?
I’ve had some moments with the Donald this year. Here’s a look at my day with him at the Chicago event.
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