This plan has no guarantee - I'm doing it anyway

You know how when something bad happens to you, like a log falls on your head or you lose your Starbucks card and everyone is like, “it’s for the best!” and “something better is just around the corner!” and you’re like, um, but what about now? Like, right now, when my husband is out of... Read more »

Mariah Carey is the queen of Christmas so SHUT UP

Some people, who are apparently hellbent on destroying Christmas forever, have leaked isolated, unedited vocals from Mariah Carey’s performance of All I Want For Christmas (IS YOooooU, BAY-BEE!) at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. I’m not giving them the courtesy of a link because I don’t think you need to hear it. Stay permanently gift... Read more »

How to annoy your wife when you're suddenly home all day

I’m used to my husband working 70-hour weeks and due to some recent boolshit EXCITING LIFE SURPRISES we are now suddenly hanging out in the house together. All the time. The last time I spent this much time with him was our honeymoon and I remember thinking, “wow, I’m really getting to know this guy!”. Eight years... Read more »

Elf on The Shelf wears costumes now. Kill him.

Creak back: Remember when The Elf On The Shelf was only annoying because we had to move him every night and we’d forget and have to be like, “ummm, he picked the same spot again – just like mommy does on the couch every day!”? And then we all got crusty because SOME PEOPLE raised... Read more »

First American "Cuddle studio" opens - Is it a sex shop?

Well here’s a job for you DIYers: professional snuggle buddy. A business selling private cuddles at an hourly rate of $60, Cuddle Up To Me, has opened its doors in Portland. The lady-owned shop has been bombarded with over 10,000 requests for appointments in only three days. It’s totally not sexual though. Nooooo. The four... Read more »

The truth about being a room mom

Today on the Facebooks, I witnessed a conversation where a woman in a far away place had a problem that didn’t concern me so I chimed in with my two cents. It went over well! (A rando only called me a whore once!) Anyway, someone wanted to know what was up with their PTA room... Read more »

Time wants to ban the word "feminist"

Time, the esteemed publication that wrote a 908-word article on Kim Kardashian’s ass that included the quote, “it looks like a glazed Krispy Kreme donut” (slow clap for hard journalism), proved its irrelevancy today by suggesting that, among “bae” and “literally” that the word, “feminist” should be banned. From Time: “feminist: You have nothing against... Read more »

8 types of people you meet on the North Shore

I’ve lived here for a whole 25 months, which clearly makes me an expert. Thus, I’ve complied this scientific list of the people you meet on the North Shore when you’re not hiding in your house waiting for ChiPocalypse. (Seriously, wasn’t it supposed to get Polar Whoretex levels of cold and yet here we are... Read more »

5 (selfish) reasons you want diversity in your school

Our family is a herd of nomads. Our kindergartner has been enrolled in four very different Chicago-area schools. She insists she loves spreading herself around like Bobby Brown, *not her words, and we’re about to be on our third house in seven years of marriage. The school we’re in now is good and we’re (probably?)... Read more »

How to get awesome Downton Abbey hair

On a whim (it’s always a whim, curse the whim) I picked up one of those “as seen on TV!” products in a discount bin at the drug store because I’m classy and I feel sad for inanimate objects that need my love. Why do you think I’ve rehabbed two houses and spend my time... Read more »