Category: You fancy

Rant from a rich democrat

I’m just going to take a minute here to complain about fancy people problems. Hang on, my ascot is crooked. Okay. As I was saying, I’ve got a new problem this tax season and it’s put me in a mood to make a few demands. Our family happens to owe the federal government money this... Read more »

How to get a baby to sleep

If you’re here because you googled “how to get a baby to sleep,” you’re probably an animated undead surviving on HGTV and the internet. Been there. Don’t give the baby whiskey or let it cry. I’ll walk you through this thing. (OMG! I just took a stance on cry it out. Quick, someone call the... Read more »

The best mom things I bought in January

1. Kerastase shampoo & conditioner. I feel kinda stupid taking a selfie because I'm not a teenager. Also, please excuse my mom thumb making a cameo, I don't have all day to get this perfect BUT IS MY HAIR NOT AMAZING??!! This is me on the way to take my kids to dance today after using Kerastase Reflection Bain Chroma Riche shampoo & Kerastase Nutritive Lait Vital-Protein Conditioning Milk conditioner. You might like to know I did not blow dry my hair. Nor did I straighten/curl it, brush it, comb it nor apply a single product. NOTHING. All I did was use this shampoo & conditioner and go to bed with wet hair. NOT A LIE.  Now. Allow me to disclose the stuff ain't cheap. If I would have known how expensive it was, I never would have bought it. On the way out of my salon visit I asked my stylist to recommend some products. RULE OF LIFE: Never reason, "eh, how much can it be" because that number might be $58 for f'ing bottle of shampoo. However. That said. Kerastase 4 life. You're welcome. (PS, yes I look old, no I do not sleep.)
When you shop in December, it’s for other people. Did they like their typewriter key necklaces and elaborate man sweaters? The world may never know. January is my jam, though. I shop for me! I tried out a bunch of stuff because it’s cold and I’m bored. Now with good hair and soft feet, I’m... Read more »

Why 3D printing your unborn fetus is a bad idea

Why 3D printing your unborn fetus is a bad idea
If you happen to be reading this while swimming in your platinum bath tub filled with gold doubloons (and you are pregnant with a baby friend) (and you are EXTREMELY IMPATIENT to hold that baby) (and you want a terrible gift for your mother-in-law) listen up because the scope of Things That Can Be Seen... Read more »

Should I return my anniversary gift? Again?

Niko and I have different views of romance. He’s like Pepe LePew, all honey-thick compliments and pizazz. Someday when I’m on my death bed, he’ll tap out a little soft shoe on the hospital linoleum in a grand display of love and I’d spend my last breath managing my own dose of penicillin. As you... Read more »

Wine v. Pot: The Perennial Debate (Oh, and Wine Totally Wins)

Heyyyy potheads! Try to pull yourself away from your Salividor Dali paintings and Magic Eye books and rap with me. Why do you mess around with that stinky lung fog when you could be enjoying a nice, tasty, legal glass of wine? I am so confused by you! Smoke is gross. Besides, unless you’re a... Read more »

Best Buddies Gala + cellphone pic of a chandelier on Niko's head

“You must be Mrs. Niko!” “How did you know that’s what my vanity plate says!” And with that welcome, we kicked off our evening at the seventh annual Best Buddies Illinois Gala hosted at the ballroom of the Four Seasons last night. It was one of those nights where my jokes were all working out... Read more »

Why are people such jerks about the suburbs?

If you were talking to someone who had decided to move to say, Milwaukee would you say to their face, “I can’t stand Milwaukee! I’d NEVER move to Milwaukee. Milwaukee sucks. I can jog in Chicago”. (Because you can’t jog just anywhere.) Why, then, is everyone being a jerk to me about us moving to... Read more »

I saw a naked Stepford wife and other tales of greater Chicago

Eek! 25 days until I move, guys! I’m so excited. Wait, no, maybe I’m scared. After all, the Crystal ball predicts I’ll get invited to sex parties and witness milfs hooking up with the ice cream guy because apparently the suburbs are a just like those episodes of Desperate Housewives I never watched. Is it? How... Read more »

$250k is wealthy? How about a "grandparent" tax!

The nation is in turmoil, guys. We’re poor. In an effort to resolve this, a tax policy on families making over $250,000 a year is being hotly debated. Some say that amount of money is CRAZY PANTS and anyone making that should set sail on their fancy jet from their third luxury home straight back... Read more »