Category: Memory Lane

I found my pink wig!

Ouch. Can you hear that? It’s me trying say stuff on the internet, but my words are all garbled like a drunk person in a slow motion video. GARghhhhGrggblhhHHhhhaaaaa. That’s what happens when you don’t write for a while. Your brain gets all stiff and then afterwords you need an ibuprofen and tell people how... Read more »

Why I'm cool with New Year's Eve in my socks

My parents didn’t always make the best decisions (no car seat in a convertible! Home perms!) but I’ll give it to them when it comes to adventure. We’re from the Kentucky-Indiana border. I’d love to make this story interesting by telling you we were mountain folk or Duck Dynasty people, but we were a smidge... Read more »

Parenting: Five years is the time limit on screw ups

Before I met your dad, I cultivated broad interests to bring to my parenting arsenal. Here I am gaining life wisdom at Burning Man.
Welp, my time is up guys. My oldest kid turns five next week and according to an unofficial poll amongst my highly-not-scientific friends, this is the age when she will for sure remember things from now on. It’s not that I hope she forgets everything before now, maybe just Miley Cyrus lyrics. From now on,... Read more »

Sometimes, you need to be told you're a red head

There are lots of disgusting things about life in the Age Of The Interwebz. Twitter trolls, cyber bullying. Selfies At Funerals. When I see young people doing stupid stuff publicly, like globally publicly, it’s easy to think, “I’m so glad smart phones weren’t around during my stupid days! Remember when we streaked? And took pictures?... Read more »

Life with a sexxy face scar

I’ve been meaning to write this for years. Who knows why today’s the day, but saddle up! We’re going to talk about The Thing I Never Talk About Mainly Because It Doesn’t Matter: my scar. The prominent one, right on my face, that I’ve had since I was three years old. The face scar that... Read more »

Should I return my anniversary gift? Again?

Niko and I have different views of romance. He’s like Pepe LePew, all honey-thick compliments and pizazz. Someday when I’m on my death bed, he’ll tap out a little soft shoe on the hospital linoleum in a grand display of love and I’d spend my last breath managing my own dose of penicillin. As you... Read more »

The making of a Cubs fan

Bee & Buh-Stell acted like it was Christmas when they woke up. IT WAS BASEBALL DAY.
In 2003, I was orphaned by my roommates. I had arrived to Chicago a year before in a caravan of girls, but just twelve months later they had all been plucked off, one by one, like platform sandal-wearing locusts dying at the end of summer. Jana went back to our hometown to do hair. Elizabeth... Read more »

Why I didn't ask my oldest friend to be a bridesmaid

It was 1988 when I met the world’s skinniest, baddest eight-year-old – Leroy Brown if he were a brainy, white, second grade girl wearing Keds. We were like soda and fries the second we met. Chrissy had a puff of bangs on top of her head like a bird’s nest fashioned into a hat; I was... Read more »

Adult mother/daughter relationships - I'm not her!

“I’m so CORN-fused!” I cracked up at my own (stupid) joke, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Same toothy grin. Same thin lips. Same hazel eyes. Same face. Same bizarre, clean, ironic-appreciation-of-the-obvious sense of humor. Panic. Nobody wants to turn into their mother. For most people it’s a fear of Not Your... Read more »

A Love Story As Told In Bitstrips Cartoons

It was my first day at my new job selling cars. Niko was my boss. Oh, and he hated me. At least it felt like he hated me because he didn't crack a smile. He didn't even check me out and I was not too shabby in 2005. It turns out he's just very fair and professional. Imagine! (Niko tells this story as he was overwhelmed being surprised with a new employee.)
Every friend of mine in a new relationship after 2008 gets embarrassed when I ask how they met their boyfriend/fiancé/sugardaddy . They always give that look they give to their dentist when he asks if they floss. “Internet”.  Well, duh. Answering that you met on the internet is like saying that’s where you got your shirt.... Read more »