Category: Hitched

This plan has no guarantee - I'm doing it anyway

You know how when something bad happens to you, like a log falls on your head or you lose your Starbucks card and everyone is like, “it’s for the best!” and “something better is just around the corner!” and you’re like, um, but what about now? Like, right now, when my husband is out of... Read more »

How to annoy your wife when you're suddenly home all day

I’m used to my husband working 70-hour weeks and due to some recent boolshit EXCITING LIFE SURPRISES we are now suddenly hanging out in the house together. All the time. The last time I spent this much time with him was our honeymoon and I remember thinking, “wow, I’m really getting to know this guy!”. Eight years... Read more »

A rebuttal to the "Same-Sex Marriage" brochure I found at church

Hello there, mister (?) author of the Same-Sex Marriage brochure I found at church this morning. I was just milling around in the lobby of a cathedral – wait, they do call those lobbies, right? Ye high holy foyers? – when I saw a kiosk of brochures. As a bored person sometimes does, I browsed... Read more »

Stop saying, "Your English is great!"

Last night around 7:00, every restaurant in Wrigleyville had a 90-minute wait because the neighborhood was all hit at once with Billy Joel concert revelers. I guess old white people music (hi!) and Persian food don’t go hand in hand because for whatever reason, Raw Bar got us a table in ten minutes. We had... Read more »

The key to a better wife

I’ve got a few strengths. I can make a decent taco dip. I used to be able to do the splits. I could probably blast your face off in a rap battle ala 8 Mile like, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti  . . . LOSE yourself in the moment, you own it.... Read more »

Sorry Michelle Duggar, YES married people can say NO to sex - UPDATED

Michelle Duggar is at it again with the life lessons. I know she has a popular world view among certain segments of society, but I myself happen to respectfully disagree on her stance that a wife must “always be available” when her husband wants sex. No one can have autonomy over another person’s body. It... Read more »

What wives really do when husbands go on business trips

I get to wear ugly pajamas. Normally I put on the minimal appearance of not being a gross, but the second hubs is gone. BOOM. I'm in Snuggie town. Except Snuggies are fit for being pictured on television. The real scenario involves white gym socks and a t-shirt I got from a fraternity party in 2001.
When hubs tells me he’s going on a business trip, I dread it. I’ll hope March never arrives and I envision myself rocking back and forth with a steak knife in each hand listening for door janglers, like, COME AT ME BRO. I think of the days and nights and days of handling three kids... Read more »

I want to be the second wife

I need one of those it’s-worth-it moments. You know, when the kids are being cute and I can look directly into the camera with my steaming mug of smug and say, “THIS is happiness!” I don’t feel that right now. Today it feels like I might have made a big mistake with my life choices.... Read more »

Should I return my anniversary gift? Again?

Niko and I have different views of romance. He’s like Pepe LePew, all honey-thick compliments and pizazz. Someday when I’m on my death bed, he’ll tap out a little soft shoe on the hospital linoleum in a grand display of love and I’d spend my last breath managing my own dose of penicillin. As you... Read more »

How to be a good dad on Mother's Day

My husband is pretty great on Mother’s Day. Or he tries to be. He whisks the kids away at the crack of dawn for their annual pilgrimmage to McDonald’s for our traditional Mother’s Day feast of rubber pancakes and processed sugar. He knows I don’t want an attempted-cooking mess to clean up and the idea... Read more »