How to annoy your wife when you're suddenly home all day

I’m used to my husband working 70-hour weeks and due to some recent boolshit EXCITING LIFE SURPRISES we are now suddenly hanging out in the house together. All the time. The last time I spent this much time with him was our honeymoon and I remember thinking, “wow, I’m really getting to know this guy!”. Eight years later, I’m still getting to know him, but now there are three little kids in the mix and no one is offering to take us zip lining.

If any of you out there start working from home, retire, lose your job or suddenly grow a second head and find yourself home with another person all the time, be sure to annoy the more domestic one by:

1. Throwing out the dish soap when there are clearly a few more drops left in the bottle. This is war, people. There is always more soap in the bottle. Always. Adding a cup of water and swishing it around magically makes it usable. Moms are the Jesus of dish soap, okay? New bottles of dish soap are for quitters.

2. Making loud, bellowing phone calls when the baby is going down for a nap. Every day at 1:00, I have two sleepy kids on my hands and the third one gets an iPad. This is known as chill time. If you want a very quick way to be set on the curb with the recycled dish soap bottle, just have a shouting conversation with the imaginary nosebleed section before 3:00.

3. Giving the kids graham crackers 10 minutes before lunch. My kids know how to work a sucker. They ought to sell time shares. They’ll slink into the kitchen and bat those giant doe eyes like Cindy Lou Who who was no more than two. They put on their softest voices and coo to their pops that their little bellies are soooo hungry. They REALLY want graham crackers! You would be the best daddy who ever daddied if you gave them one liddle CostCo-sized box of graham crackers at 11:45 when mom is making lunch at noon. Too bad cold broccoli and crusty veggie dogs are such a hard sell at dinner.

4. Speaking of meals, when your wife asks you to “handle dinner” while she runs an errand, go ahead and serve pretzels and chips. NO PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL, SIR.

5. Wear grooves in the floor and fly off to interviews. Wait, what? What happened to chilling?

I thought hanging out all day with a certified fox would be nothing but fun times, but it turns out there’s a learning curve to being home all day. Oh well, at least now my husband sees how the laundry makes it from the hamper to the dresser. Witness the magic, America!

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Filed under: Daddy issues, Hitched

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