On a whim (it’s always a whim, curse the whim) I picked up one of those “as seen on TV!” products in a discount bin at the drug store because I’m classy and I feel sad for inanimate objects that need my love. Why do you think I’ve rehabbed two houses and spend my time naming pretend orphan dogs? (Wentworth, Niles, Jacobivich, Mr. Peanutbutter.) If I lived in a smaller house, I’d be a hoarder but since I have lots of shelves I’m a “collector”!
So I was like, hey, this thing is $9.99 and sparkly. I have no problem looking fourteen/trashy/insane (I believe an exact quote about me on Get Off My Internets was, “sooo cheap, soooo crazy” #truth) so I went for it. What I did not know was that this pile of string would transform me into a fancy lady from the yesteryear parlors of Downton Abbey. Even my Target pants can’t tarnish the pinky-up swag happening on my head. Are you ready? You’re ready. Your mom was ready.
It is not a headband. Okay it’s a headband, but it has this foamy roll underneath that you just stuff your hair into. YOU STUFF YOUR HAIR INTO and it comes out looking exactly fancy. It’s called a Hollywood Roll. I mean, I’m overdue on highlights and haven’t washed my hair since Monday and this is the look I’m rocking today. I was going to be all Jokes-On-Dee like, this is my Princess Dye look, but my Facebook homies pointed out it’s more Downton Abbey. I mean, right? Just look at the paid servant/Manor life happening right here. Prance:
It’s easy. If Captain Twenty Children over here can woosh this up in three seconds, I know you can do it with your life of leisure.
Word of warning: The “Hollywood Roll” is made for people with big heads. Okay, maybe medium heads, but I’m basically Beetlejuice and have a teeny, tiny head like a blueberry on top of a grapefruit riding a steed into hell. I mean, into Downton Abbey manor. I had the smallest graduation cap measurement at my high school. It’s like I have a baby head. I’m surprised I sleep through the night and don’t try to nurse anyone who holds me. Anyway, my solution to this dilemma was to snip the little side elastics and sew them tighter. I know, that was a lot of work for a $9.99 discount bin hair roller, but I commit that much to bringing you fascinating news. Next, I’ll swim the seas just to tell you they’re wet. I’m an educator.
Okay, so step one, put it on like a crown.
Step two: Stuff your hair in.
Step three: Waltz around the servant’s quarters like you own the place.
In case you’re side-eying this like it’s a commercial for discount drug store bin kitsch, please know I bought this with my own billz so don’t even think they gave me this thing for free or paid me or sent me on vacation (I WANT TO GO ON VACATION). While I’m at it, I will also endorse: CostoCo wine.
Have fun with Mr. Bates! (Or do you refer to him as “Master” Bates? Unfortunate.)
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