Well here’s a job for you DIYers: professional snuggle buddy. A business selling private cuddles at an hourly rate of $60, Cuddle Up To Me, has opened its doors in Portland. The lady-owned shop has been bombarded with over 10,000 requests for appointments in only three days. It’s totally not sexual though. Nooooo. The four female employees only want to give good vibes or something and the 10,000 (men? come on, it’s men) bum rushing the cuddle studios to climb in bed with them are not going to get one single tingle. NOT ONE.
Have these people not lived a day in their lives?
I remember guys at school dances getting bones from shoulder-touching and that was in a sweaty gym full of authorities. I’m trying to imagine how laying in a bed with a strange man in a dark room with a black light is only going to make him want “self worth”. I mean, it’s going to get sexual. It just is. I’m sorry, that shop has been open three days and they’re lucky no one has been groped yet, but give it time. Like, seriously, how as nothing happened? Is their entire customer base their moms?
All I’m saying is if you open a cuddle cafe with big, snuggly beds in private rooms for horizontal hugging just own it. You’re a sex studio. Fine by me, but don’t kid yourself. If the owner of Cuddle Up To Me wants to be deluded that nothing is going to go down (A PUN!) she better have a waiver an inch thick and a team of lawyers watching the surveillance tape because if I were her, I’d buy an extra deep mail box to catch all the employee harassment suits. I’d also be standing by the door with a water hose which is the mood they are going for, I’m sure. Does anyone make wallpaper with Newt Gingrich’s face?
Maybe I’m just biased because of my experience with strange men. I’ve been in plenty of garden variety unpleasant situations like the “friend” who stopped by my apartment to help me bake a cake and I had to physically throw him off me or the young guy giving me a professional massage who rubbed my stomach (who does that?!) and then tried to creep a little higher before I had enough and bolted.
Basically, There is absolutely no way in hell I’d climb in bed with a stranger for paid “hugs”. I’d be the worst employee at Cuddle Up To Me unless someone wanted the Frigid Bitch Special. I’d wear a suit of armor and pick my teeth to make sure the mood was good and dead. I know, I know Not All Men. (But some!)
Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt though. Let’s say the women working in the cuddle business are happy to give these above-board hugs or at least give them neutrally like anyone else turning a buck these days. The lonely people coming in only want platonic spooning and really don’t reach for the boobs. OK. So, how would you feel if your husband went in for a cuddle? Is it cheating? Would you want your daughter working there?
Maybe the solution here is to admit that there’s nothing wrong with wanting sex and it’s not completely disconnected from love. If someone comes in to pay for a hug because they want to feel loving feels, I promise you, more is going to cross their mind and that’s fine AND IT IS REALITY. Why does everyone involved feel the need to be like, “NOoooOooOo, this is just about some huggy hugs, nothing sexual at all, nothing to see in this here nunnery”.
Get real. Sure, everyone needs a hug sometime, but two unrelated adults crawling into bed together for $60 a pop is a whore house.
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