I hate character kids' clothes! I SAID IT OUT LOUD.

I hate kids clothing with Disney crap on it. I know, this topic is a source of controversy on these here internets because what isn’t in the age of Click Hole and the mommy wars, but try not to murder me in my sleep. There’s a camp who thinks their kids wearing clothing with brand labels and licensed characters all over it is tacky (me! I think this! We can still be friends!) and there are those who think parents like me are elitist/uptight/need a good drank to simmer ’em back down to Earth.

We’re taking the kids to Disney World in two weeks. I managed to figure out outfits for them that suit me: Etsy skirts made from Cinderella fabric with plain tees, those Minnie head silhouette shirts, a big, wearable sign that says, “My mom is a frigid bitch” etc. I surprised them tonight with the outfits and they were like, “Yay. Yawn. Now can we get some Frozen shirts?! Elsa crap! Anna crap! WE WANT GROSS CLOTHES YOU HATE!” (Paraphrase.)

Also, they are mad the baby won’t be decked out in special Disney outfits. Dude, she has six teeth and will be sleeping the whole time. Her hand-me-down wardrobe from 2008 is just fine. What next, I need to buy a Mickey plane and write their names in the sky? I need to pull all-nighters while I hand cut Frozen snowflake confetti to toss at their feet the whole trip? Maybe I can hire a voice coach and buy some mascot suits and just turn this whole place into Toon Town 24/7.

Quiz:

A. My kids are spoiled brats and should be happy they get to Disney World at all. I don’t even think they made Disney shirts when I was a kid. We went to Epcot for exactly one day, everyone grumbled, and then we went home. AND I LOVED IT.  I certainly do not recall anyone making sure I had a custom Cinderella fabric skirt and then me throwing a hissy fit, backed up by the the internet, that I should have gotten to wear a glitter shirt. Not that parenting should boil down to, “well, I never got to . . . ” but when it comes to catering down the princess rabbit hole, I think I get to finally pull that card.

It is possible to be a happy child and enjoy a theme park without wearing a shirt made in a sweat shop in China. (Remember, we’re not talking about you! I cannot see what your kid is wearing right now.)

B. I’m a mean mom for forcing my aesthetic on them. So selfish. So terrible. Much elitist. I mean, crappy character t-shirts are like $10 on Amazon. I could be super nice and make their worlds magical by letting my girls wear them, but I just feel like I’ve done enough and they should be happy. Right? Who’s right? God, why does Disney have to be so annoying?

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“Powerful Beauty” makes my eyeballs roll onto the floor and down the street and then catch on fire and die.

This whole issue is making me feel like a bad mom, but that’s really unfair. My nerves collapse when they are sick, I fuss over their braids, I read food labels and fill out thousands of forms for soccer and dance and the park district. I think I had to give a blood sample just to enroll in Kindergarten. I’m serious, I had to dig out the deed to the house and even then, the school district wanted my property tax receipt. I haven’t slept through the night since 2007. I put my career on hold, wasted my education and I pretend to like carrots. I have cleaned poop out of other peoples’ vaginas. I AM NOT A BAD MOM.

I just hate Disney clothes.

If I thought I could get away with just allowing the Walmart type t-shirts only at actual Disney World, then coming home and donating it, I might do that. I know it would never fly though. The big one went to a birthday party where the favor was an Olaf shirt and I think she wore the thing for sixteen consecutive days until I “accidentally” “lost” it “in the laundry”.

Why is the standard of parenting so damn high?! It’s like if my kids aren’t blissful every second and living their lives in a snow globe while wearing self-chosen Halloween costumes every day, I’m a shitty person who shouldn’t have reproduced. It feels like I’m supposed to throw a constant party. If I don’t make their lives glow every moment with Bento box lunches and glitter kitsch, I’m a rotten mom for destroying my kids’ happiness.

When did the script get flipped like this? When did it become a right for kids to have fun 24/7? It’s like the value of parenting has gone down as the standards have risen.

I AM SO OLD RIGHT NOW, but I don’t remember everyone having so many toys that the mom had to donate trash bags of stuff from last year just to make room for Santa. Kids did not have 10 plastic bins of outgrown clothes cycling through the garage. If a kid in 1987 had ever complained that her mom got the wrong special outfits for a vacation planned around her, I think heads would have just exploded. Right there. Bye, heads.

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I’m sharpening my resolve on this t-shirt crap. Let her go to therapy when she’s old about how I was such a mean parent because she didn’t get to do her own shopping at age five or wear a tutu and nipple tassels to school and let her get laughed out of the office.

My kids are lucky they even got me to go to Disney World. (I heard there was booze.)

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