Us "libtards" love this country, too

I posted some pictures of my kids in their full 4th of July get up today (I might have gone overboard with the Pinterest-worthy projects this year) and got a repeated, unexpected comment to the tune, “I had no idea you were so patriotic”.

At a village fireworks display in a notorious conservative area where people are fiscal Republicans instead of the NASCAR kind, I didn’t see one freaking flag. Kids were dressed in yellow and green and Victoria’s Secret PINK jams with stuff written across the butts. I saw glow sticks. I saw picnics. Yet, I saw no other kids in red, white and blue outfits. Could it be possible? I, one of the few progressives, was the most patriotic in the crowd? Well, yes.


Here are two of my kids. The other one wasn’t feeling so festive.

Let’s take the Bill of Rights on this fine holiday and break down why I love this country.

1. First Amendment. This is my favorite one! I can spout whatever kind of opinion I want on here, right now, and no one can arrest me. I will say it scares me that this amendment is under threat – not by the government directly, but by violent, armed people (see #2). I can handle people disagreeing with me all day, but when I get death threats over something I write and the police don’t take it seriously because it’s internet stuff and so, maybe not real, like being “haunted” by “ghosts” it pisses me off. I don’t like that threats and bullying silence people from saying things. IT’S NOT AMERICAN. Oh, and by people I mean women too. Thanks.

2. Second Amendment. YAY RAH! Let’s do this. Let’s go back to exactly the way the world was when the Second Amendment was written and tailor our gun laws to those weapons. You may own a musket. You’re welcome.

3. Third Amendment. No putting soldiers in my house unless I say yes. Great! Wait, do police officers count as soldiers? No, right? What with police force getting so militant lately about the stoopid “war on drugs”, I was getting confused. I HAVE A GUEST ROOM! CALL ME! I MAKE AWESOME TACOS.

Pop Chef

We also make patriotic fruit kebabs.

4. Fourth Amendment. You can’t search me without probable case. LOVE THIS. Wait, what if I’m black and I’ve got a tail light out? Maybe we need to go over these again, guys. I know the constitution is a living document and all, but it’s pretty crazy how some of these amendments balloon up to include assault weapons while other amendments shrivel to “don’t drive while black“.

I forgot to tell the rest of the story from that speeding ticket I got the other day. I didn’t have my insurance card on me. Not only was my car not searched, the cop didn’t even ask for it again. I guess things are different when you’re a white lady in a Mercedes.

5. Fifth Amendment. I can’t incriminate myself. This is a good one, I love it. Except . . . Facebook does keep changing its privacy settings, so.

6. Sixth Amendment. We get speedy and public trials, along with a bunch of other stuff like, the right to confront a witness. What if all court and civic activity had to be speedy? No more 11-year-long divorces and adoptions that take half the length of childhood.

7. Seventh Amendment. If your dispute is over $20, basically you get a trial. No one cares about this one. I’ll just take this opportunity to tell you I once bought a pair of $150 boots from DSW and the zipper broke the very next day. They actually tried to make me keep them, but I was all, “I’LL DISPUTE THIS CHARGE!” Maybe I should have invoked the 7th amendment, which actually doesn’t even apply in reality, and be like, “SEE YOUR FACE IN COURT”. Judge Judy needs a rolling justice wagon.

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I sewed this rad bandana quilt myself! Sorry, I keep bragging, I just love it so much. I also have swag flags all over the front of the house and I made a pennant banner for the back.

8. Eighth amendment. No excessive bail or unusual punishments. I love this one! I love how your bail is determined by your wealth and that’s that. We should take this awesome amendment and spread it around to the tax system, like, rich guys actually paying according to their wealth and not tax dodging down to paying what amounts to pocket change for them. Bye, Mitt Romney.

9. Ninth Amendment. This one is about protecting other rights, like the right to privacy. BOOM. Keep your laws outta my drawers. I have the right to medical treatment that stays between my healthcare provider and me. I have the right to autonomy over my own body. I have the right to privacy in my bedroom and in my life, especially in regards to who I marry even if that is another lady. What a single cell is doing floating around my uterus is NOT the business of my boss at Hobby Lobby.

10. Tenth Amendment. The states get to decide things. While I think it’s weird that gay people can get married in some states and not others or you can get on a plane with legal weed in Denver and land somewhere else and get arrested, there is something I LOVE about this amendment. It puts power more in the peoples’ hands. Let’s take this all the way. Remember November 7, 2000 when Al Gore got more actual votes to become president, but then there was all this crap about hanging chads and it eventually boiled down to someone arbitrarily calling the election and Bush was basically appointed? Then everything sucked from then on? TENTH AMENDMENT DUDES. If we take this principle about states determining their own laws, I could get in my hot tub time machine and Al Gore could be my president. At least in Illinois. Bush can still have Florida.

See? Us Libtards are patriotic after all, ya’ll. We just love the country in a different way than you do. We love it better. MERIKUH. YEAH.

UPDATE! Here are my kids on page 4 of the Chicago Tribune July 5.

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