11 things moms can do instead of drinking wine

So, who here has a glass of wine every night? Or two. Just me? I can’t be the only person who gets bored after the kids go down and cracks open a bottle. It’s a reward system. No matter what kind of crap I’ve had to deal with or how annoying my kids get, I can summon my patience with the thought, “it’s almost wine time”. My husband likes to drink with me, too. You should see us checking out at CostCo with six or eight bottles at a time. The cashier always says, “are you having a party?” Um. Sure!

Lately, I’m starting to suspect wine of keeping me fat. I’m spending 45 minutes on the treadmill a minimum of four times a week, including a 12-day streak in March. I’m drinking kale smoothies for lunch. I’m pushing a stroller 18 blocks to school for pick-up. You’d think I’d be one of those muscle ladies with the paint-on tans by now.


Nope. Still a dough ball! I gave birth a whole five months ago. I breastfeed and workout like it’s my job and I still look like a lady M&M. So, I’m blaming booze.

I’m hereby going on a wine hiatus for a week. Seven days. If you’d like to join me, I could sure sure the company. Let’s think of things we can do to reward ourselves for all that BS we put up with all day, like listening to complaints that we put peoples’ favorite jammies in the wash and how mean we are that we refuse to serve lollipops for dinner. You know what? One day I’m just going to be like, eff it. Here’s your dinner and if you like dirty jams so much, HAVE FUN.

Back to our challenge. Here are the things we can do instead of drink wine at night:

1. Fancy tea. I always thought tea was boring. It’s what overly sunny people drink while they do other things I don’t understand, like yoga. I have a dark side and coffee suits that just fine, thanks. BUT THEN. I became an old person who can’t drink coffee at night or I’ll be awake until dawn and Mom is not a job you can phone in. Also, I got into chai, jasmine and roobios teas which are all pretty tasty. Throw a little squirt of agave syrup in there and you’ve got yourself a real do-gooder treat.

2. Chocolate. Okay, it’s not exactly diet food, but at least it’s not wine.

3. Hot bath. Why have I been forgetting about these lately? Baths are awesome! You can lock the door to keep people out or tune out the annoying hockey game on in the next room by belting out some tunes. Work on your feet, do a facial, float and think of absolutely nothing. Shoot, I should put a bath tub in my living room and I’d probably enjoy everyone much more.

4. Trash TV. We recorded a bunch of Beyond The Wormholes (shout to Morgan Freeman, who is kind of the best person ever). Niko and I have been swilling our wine and debating the universe for a week or two, but maybe it’s time to sip tea and get our trash on. Have you seen The Peoples’ Couch? Bye, 30 minutes of your life. Heaven.

5. Sexxy times! This might be one of those things that’s good in theory and then the times comes to put in practice and it’s like, I’m tired. Can’t we just watch TV? Let’s live in our minds for a moment and say YES to making out.

6. Facebook hole. Lots of my favorite people gave up Fecebook (permanent typo) for lent and I miss those bitches. Come baccccck! I know, Facebook can be a time suck, but the real problem is it’s just cat pictures and humblebrags. Snooze. Make Facebook as good as wine by posting something controversial, logging off, then reading all the fallout when the kids go to bed. Quick, what’s your opinion on circumcision? See ya at 8:00!

7. Sleep. Why are we staying up until 11:00 anyway? Let’s go to bed at 9:00, then wake up refreshed. Maybe we’ll be one of those people who watches the sunrise and goes on jogs and appears in commercials for allergy medicine. The possibilities are endless.

8. Read. Some people drink and read, but I just get sleepy. Now with wine out of the picture, I’m going to be a total brain. Related: Do they still make encyclopedias? One really good book I read over the summer was Gone Girl. Suggestions welcome.

9. Do some kind of Pinterest craft. Can I brag? (Again?) I went to Pottery Barn the other day and saw this bunny garland. I was like, aw, I can do that. Shoo. So I did! I already had the paper, twine and clips so all I had to do was draw a bunny and find my big orange scissors. I thought the cotton ball tails were over kill. Right? Debating.

10. Do your nails. It takes precision so you can’t really be swilling hooch. Also, you can’t snack while your nails are wet so there’s an added bonus.

11. Grape juice in a wine glass. There’s always denial.

If you guys think of anything else to take the place of delicious, delicious vino, please let me know in the comments.

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