What not to ask a pregnant lady you've never met - UPDATED

I’m pretty open when it comes to whom I consider family. If you’ve read this blog more than once, you’ve met me in person, we went to school together, worked together, drummed up a little rapport waiting for dance class dismissal or peed in an alley together in our 20’s, I’m going to be chill with you asking me, “so, are you okay with what happened with the pregnancy ?” What if you don’t know me, though. What if I’m a random lady who walked into your store or crossed your path at Target. Oh, there are rules for you. You’re a stranger.

I know I’m only in my 30’s, but lately I’ve developed a trait women don’t usually have until they wield canes: spraying truth at nosy strangers. Old ladies will just tell you whatever. I once heard a little gray thing yell at a poor schlump on the bus, “YOU DON’T FIT IN THE SEAT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT! YOU’RE FAT!” I guess when the world is full of people who could have been your babies or grandbabies, you just look around and see a sea of fetuses where cab drivers and presidents exist. I’ve started answering questions people have no business asking. Bluntly.

Two clerks yesterday in a children’s clothing boutique: “ZOMG!!! Are you due any day?!”

Me: No.

Employees in chorus: “OMG! Wow! Are you having twins?! It’s gotta be twins!”

Me, face hot, just trying to browse the clearance rack for toddler pants: “Yes, I was having twins until one died a few weeks ago.”

Dead silence

Dear store clerks, passersby, restaurant servers and other total strangers of the world,

Here is a list of acceptable things to say to me about my midsection:

1. You look great!

If a stranger has confirmed her pregnancy of her own volition, you may say:

1. How do you feel?

2. Good luck!

3. You look great!

Otherwise, quit asking questions about the contents of a woman’s lady bits. It’s none of your damn business. Here, perhaps I should illustrate this in picture form. I present, a public service announcement: WHAT NOT TO ASK A PREGNANT LADY YOU’VE NEVER MET:

UPDATED with a good one from the comments – keep ’em coming!

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