How to survive a kitchen remodel [PHOTOS!]

Butterflies! Cannons! Jolly elves in fun pants! Whatever’s your signature confetti, just pack it up and take it into my kitchen right now. It’s the land of YES. We’re about to take a tour of my head and home spanning the time from June until an hour ago, some of it murky territory, and arrive at a glorious conclusion. Let’s ride!

I have been sitting in my family room basically all summer, just poppin a squat, killing flies (since my contractor comes from a land where they do not appreciate air-conditioning and would rather usher in the season’s insects all day – Schaumburg?), listening to strange country music blaring from an unfamiliar boom box as guys in boots stomp around in what was once a truly 1980’s sitcom of a kitchen. All the markings were there – the cabinets hanging in the middle of the room for no reason, the shiny floors, the floral wallpaper border, the man-made countertops in an odd design. But lo, the muscled gentlemen in paint-splattered pants came to town and gutted that sucker. Thus began a (painful, annoying, expensive, sawdusty) journey to my new kitchen.

Detail: I myself took the first swing with a hammer during a dinner party last Spring. It was like the end of disco. I had had enough of that damn kitchen and it was time to show my husband and all our invited dinner guests that I meant business. New kitchen OR ELSE! It was a spirited crowd-pleaser.

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A wall is a great place to take out a little frustration. Be sure to have cheering witnesses!

Then I sat. We hit snafu after snafu. We found out the light fixtures we ordered were on backorder  . . . after we paid for them. The peeps who designed our kitchen and sold us our appliances built everything around a gas wall that was supposed to be electric. I had a fight with some bitches at a sink store. The knobs took like six weeks to ship for no reason. It was hot. I was cranky. There was some pregnancy drama in there and a few epic storms, some weather-related and others having to do with PEOPLE up in my SPACE.

Brief interview with myself:

Me: Why didn’t you just buy a house that didn’t need so much work?

Me: Um, because those move-in-and-live homes are frigging expensive and I’m a control freak. And I love fresh paint and new things. Ready homes sometimes feel like wearing other peoples’ gently used socks.

Me: This concludes our interview.

Remodeling is like birth. You suffer and endure and toil and lament and create until all of a sudden, there’s a grand moment when you have a kitchen! That moment was around 5:00 tonight. The guys in boots left. I realized I’m only short a few light switch plates, a single fixture and a piece of wood over the fridge. A KITCHEN! It’s mine! It’s all mine! And you know what? It’s pretty sweet. Every single thing about my home is hand-picked by this mama and now that it’s done, I’m proud.

Here are the particulars since peeps on Facebook were already curious and who knows, maybe you want to copy this sweetness for yourself?

Paint: Benjamin Moore #619  “Copper Patina”
Cabinets: Kraftmaid in Dove White
Knobs: Top Knobs, but I’m on the fence about them so never mind
Floors: Um, the floor guy? No clue on that deet.
Granite: Carranza Stone (basically a guy and his brother who are pretty swell, I can hook you up.)  This pattern is called “White Wave”.
Appliances: I feel like that’s a weird thing to put out there. Inquire for details.

I made it. I made it through this summer. The remaining twin has sailed past the viability threshold. I’m no longer chained down on bed rest. My home is returning to peace. I’ve even got the backpack stuffed with all the right supplies and hanging by the door. I have never been so thankful for August in my life.

And now to tackle the nursery and look forward to November. MAZEL TOV, WORLD!*


*Not Jewish, but I’m co-opting. Feel free to take a little hillbilly with you: YEEHAW is all yours.


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