Hillary Clinton is up for a fresh cause. She needs to sink her humanitarian claws into something meaty. Something monumental. Something important. (Something political!) So she announced today that she’s choosing to use her clout and connections to get behind . . . cracking down on elephant poaching. SAD TROMBONE. Elephant poaching? Not to naysay (totally to naysay), but elephant poaching is something you get behind when all other human problems have been solved, like eradicating what kills our babies, messes with our hormones and chromosomes and gives us all cancer. HINT: Those are all actually caused by the same thing! Water pollution! As recently as a few days ago and as long ago as a decade, it has been coming to light that the common herbicide Atrazine causes birth defects, cancer, reproductive problems and is right here, in our water, affecting American human beings. Hillary Clinton rolling up her sleeves to tackle the US water contamination problem would be a much smarter and more worthy cause than, say, nixing a certain trinket market far over seas.
No offense to adorable baby elephants, I love ’em too, but what I would love more is if the EPA would quit tacitly agreeing it’s cool to poison us with atrazine and mercury. My daughter didn’t have to die. Thousands of other babies don’t need to be born with abdominal wall defects and chromosome aberrations at the hands of big agriculture.
Look, I’ve been a vegetarian over 20 years and I get animal rights. I do get it. I agree elephant poaching is no damn good. If I was given the choice between elephant poaching and taking the stairs up a tall building, I’d totally take the stairs. Is elephant poaching the number one problem facing people? No. Is elephant poaching even in the top ten of major world problems? No. Sure, it’s a cause with some worth, but I’d expect a celebrity to embrace it. If Amanda Bynes wanted to throw her energy into saving the elephants, I’d be glad she was doing something with her time. Presidential Hillary Clinton? It’s like Hemmingway running a twitter account for Monster Energy Drink. Like, why?
I’m disappointed that my hero, someone as high profile and influential as Hillary Clinton, someone I’ve respected, is squandering her humanitarian power on something as random as elephant poaching. I mean, she may as well have chosen The Rights of House Plants or Boobs Against Fabric as pet causes. I know, I know, cry your tears PETA, I said it.
Human and American issues trump animals on other continents when it comes to the efforts of our politicians. Sorry. Not sorry.
Someone who stands with us should be for us, not politically motivated bs with China (in case you really thought this was about the elephants. It’s never about the elephants.) And hence, we have our global problem: instead of focusing on domestic issues and the problems facing our own citizens, the US likes to play rootem’ tooem’ Yosemite Sam in other countries. We’re like the George Zimmerman of the globe, out there being self-appointed vigilantes of Crap That Ain’t Our Top Priority . How about we step back into our own country and take back our water system?
What say you, Hillary Clinton? You’re my girl.
UPDATE! I just signed a petition about bees. It’s not that people can’t adore two causes, the problem is that there’s only one Hillary Clinton and she only has the same 24 hours a day as the rest of us. I’m just really disappointed she’s ignored domestic water pollution, which is such a major piece in the healthcare puzzle. Also, I’m oddly flattered there was such a stampede in the comments. You’d think this job would pay more than peanuts. Be well, my elephant lovers! May those nasty poachers meet their doom!
UPDATE 2 – I received possibly the most vile comment I have ever received on this site just now. To think at the bottom of the cess pool of the internet is an elephant advocate, of all things, is truly surprising. Right? Who saw that coming? Suffice it to say I hereby cancel my next post, which was about the elephant plight. I wouldn’t touch it now with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. Maybe if “activists” weren’t insulting peoples’ dead babies they’d get people to care more about their cause.
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