Better than bottled: Tap water solutions for SEXXY people (that's you!)

A few weeks ago I dug up a little gem, a document where the EPA quietly suggested midwesterners drink bottled water since municipal tap water is contaminated with Atrazine. Well ho, ho, ho, there’s a problem with that, folks, and not just my throaty laugh! It turns out the EPA’s bottled water suggestion creates more pollution that it solves. ZoiNKS.

I have been learning so much about the bottled water industry and guess what? Not only is most bottled water you’re buying actually just tap water run through a filter you could spend two pennies to do yourself, but it’s also not tested, contains nasty chemicals that leech from the plastic and/or bacteria, the industry is self-regulated (so you’ll never know about these problems) and the manufacture of the water bottles causes huge amounts of pollution. To give you a glimpse on that last part, the amount of oil a year used to make water bottles could power 100,000 cars. Baby kitty has a cry.

The EPA knows this, of course. Here, let’s let a former EPA employee tell it in his own words:

We were told we could be fired and terminated if we went and tried to inform the community they had a right to complain, that we could go in and do investigations, that we could write violations, that there could be toxic substances in the air, that we could take companies to enforcement and make them reduce their pollution. Until people pick the phone up and complain, we were not supposed to ‘agitate the communities'”
– Former EPA employee, Tapped

Man, I hate to break such bad news on such a beautiful day. I could post pictures of animals all mangled up with discarded plastic in their bellies, or link hella sob stories about entire communities decimated by cancer due their close proximity to refineries that produce the oil that make the bottles (okay, just one) or I could post graphic images of what birth defects from these chemicals look like, but then I’d have the PETA problem where no one can bear to look. So I won’t. Instead, I’ll list the solutions I’ve implemented in my life to drink cleaner water.


1. Buy a reverse osmosis filter for under your kitchen sink. This will be your drinking and cooking water. If you’re rich and paranoid, I supposed you could buy one of these for every sink in your house, but I’ll address washing water in just a minute. (Reverse osmosis tanks take like a day to fill, so this won’t be your bathtub water unless you are vewwy, vewwy patient.) I know, I mentioned this one before. My blog is like watching the first ten minutes of a soap opera.

2. For drinking water on the go, buy an eco-friendly canteen. I unofficially recommend Klean Kanteen.

3. For restaurants where you feel like a cray monster for pouring from a canteen or you simply forget your tin foil hat at home you can always use a WaterBean. What’s a WaterBean? It’s a little pellet you can put in your glass (or bottle, or guzzlin’ face bucket, whatever) to filter tap water on the go. Unfortunately, this brill product won’t be available until October.

4. I highly recommend the documentary Tapped. If you don’t have Netflix, you can watch it for $2 on YouTube or buy it for $13 on Amazon.

5. Hook a universal water filter up to the main unit in your house. It’s not as good as a reverse osmosis system, but it’ll make the water good enough for bathing, washing, brushing your pearly whites and spraying onto your bikini body in slow motion with a hose, you sexxy thing, you. I got mine off the shelf at Lowe’s.


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Don’t get Atrazine all over your spray tan, readers!

Oh, #6. Don’t ever buy another f’ing bottle of water again *OR* drink straight from any midwestern tap. Just get a canteen, folks. WaterBean yourself. Or stay thirsty my friends.



Like, share this post and read more mildly amusing stuff on my Facebook page! Also, sign my petition against the EPA for allowing a harmful herbicide, known to cause the birth defects that claimed my daughter, to continue to contaminate our public water supply.

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Filed under: Poison in the well!

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