Our society is often criticized because of our “over-sensitivity”. Some say we’ve become a bunch of politically correct mamby pambies who boo hoo over simple things like . . . not tolerating racism. I for one, think our world is better for our boo-hooing. Without the free exchange of ideas on the Internet, how are we supposed to get educated on things like gay marriage rights or how to be respectful to someone with disabilities? Sometimes, however, this liberal use of idea sharing turns into just being terrible. Example: a HuffPo article, “My Wife Is Expecting Twins and I Am Not Happy About It“.
Oh, so many things I’m mad about now.
1. Why has over-sharing and assholey behavior become “bravery” and “honesty” in the blog world? If you medically create life and ask the doctor to implant two embryos, you aren’t “brave” and “honest” for declaring to that you don’t want the resulting twins. You are an asshole. If you live in a one-bedroom apartment and are not financially prepared for more children, don’t spend your money on IVF and then complain that your toils paid off. Just skip having more kids and move on with your life. Let me get a little Jeff Foxworthy here. If you get pregnant on purpose, then root for genetic defects as an excuse to abort your twins, you might be an asshole!
Look brother, I’m surprise pregnant with natural twins. I don’t know either how I’m going to send four kids to college or grocery shop or sleep or ever have sex again in my life. Probably none of those things are going to happen but I’m still happy about both of my twins. These are my children! Once you decide to continue with a pregnancy, you don’t get to bitch about not wanting them. You had options – like not opening your trap on HuffPo.
2. Why is the pain of infertility a license to be a jerk? This guy gets away with his nasty opine about not wanting twins because people feel sorry for them going through fertility treatments. This whole topic enrages me, so settle in. I’m about to be very popular. A few days ago a woman wrote an aggressive blog post, to much praise, “Top 10 Things Infertiles Want You to Shut the Fuck Up About“. Number one on her list? “Complaints about your body during pregnancy. Swollen feet? Fat ass? Whaleish proportions? Shut the fuck up, you’re pregnant.”
If I were a hat-wearing royal, they’d call my condition “acute hyperemesis gravidarum” but the ‘merican term is heinous morning sickness. I haven’t been able to keep down food in over 18 hours. As I type, I’m paralyzed, shaking and weak down to my toenails with nausea. I guess when I’m in labor, I’m not supposed to cry out in pain either because I might offend that woman. Noted.
I understand the pain of infertility. If you’re reading this and thinking, “but you have a child, you don’t get my rage” Um, yes I do because I’ve been there and with two miscarriages. I’ve gotten those shots in my stomach and spent Easter crying alone on my kitchen floor. Or you’re thinking, “I may be suffering the hell of infertility but I’m not mean to pregnant ladies,” then great, this next bit is not about you. Not everything I write is about every single human. I hope you get your baby and I genuinely wish nothing but the best for people battling this haunting struggle. However, some infertile people are mean to pregnant women.
The problem with the pain of infertility is it creates a myopic world view that’s all about you and your pain.
A strange thing happens when people find out I’m pregnant with twins. It’s polarizing. Eavesdropping strangers turn around to gush, people on planes treat me like family. I have been overwhelmed by the hundreds of people who have contacted me on Facebook, email, text and phone calls. A rather chilly new companion hugged me so hard she nearly lifted me off the ground when she heard I was having twins. I’ve also been equally surprised by people who are nasty out of nowhere. I had someone glare at me in my own home the other day when my news came up. She immediately feigned back pain and left without so much as a “nice to meet you” never mind a congrats.
Since when does personal pain trump human decency? I’ve been through plenty of crap. When I was working three jobs wearing $10 shoes, do you think I glared and snarled at people in big houses with nice cars? At kids with parents who loved them? The thought didn’t cross my mind. Life lesson: your pain is not the fault of people with different circumstances.
Everyone has their struggles in life. Everyone. I’ve got my pain, you have yours, she has hers. Maybe if people wouldn’t take other peoples’ pain as an affront to them personally, we’d all get along better. I don’t feel like airing all my dirty laundry right now, but trust me, just because I’m not out here crying from the tree tops DOES NOT MEAN my life is perfect. I just choose to be happy. I make that choice. Infertile people sticking pins in pregnant blonde voodoo dolls right now, I’d like to remind you that pregnant women do not deserve the petty, nasty energy from some people longing for a baby.
We make our own lives, people. In Vitro Dad could choose to be happy, so could Top 10 Mom. Let’s focus more on our own lives and not drag unborn twins or pregnant strangers into our bad brain juice. I know it’s hard to make the choice to be happy sometimes. But you have to do it, and leave everyone else out. It’s only polite.
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