The medical community needs me. I’m going to swoop in, plant flowers and take over all their bad medical terms so they sound more friendly. The bogus, out-dated diction of doctors needs a touch-up so they stop scaring people and making them feel like crap.
I’ve got an ultrasound looming, but as my medical papers call it (very uncheerfully, might I add) it’s a “viability scan”. Rubbish. They should rename viability scans “poke & peeps”. Sure, maybe the reality is they’re determining whether your baby still has a heartbeat, but why be such a Debbie Downer about it? I suppose they could call it a Sparkle Surprise and it would still involve a wand up my hooha and possibly a grim diagnosis, but would it kill them to put a little tinsel on the language? I’m trying to be positive!
In this spirit, I will now put my glossy touch on other terrible medical terms. Oh, and if you ever need a spin doctor for more gross words (moist towelette, cuticle remover), I’m full of good mojo and work cheap for Sea Bands.
These might be a little NSFWish. I know, a first for me. Pregnancy is making me bawdy.
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