In defense of Chelsea Clinton's Starbucks order

Chelsea Clinton said in today’s Parade Magazine that she was in Starbucks the other day ordering her usual “Black Eye” (a coffee with two shots of espresso) when a stranger approached her and said, “Chelsea, you seem like such an interesting person, and that’s such a boring drink”. Burn.

First, how refreshing to hear a two-word Starbucks order. Wanna hear mine? Grande nonfat, sugarfree vanilla soy half decaf latte. That’s right, half caf. I’m one of those fuss butts in the same yoga pants four days a week with nothing else to do but wait 18 minutes for a ridiculous coffee order. How I wish I was the type of busy lady tossing, “BLACK EYE!” over the counter in a rush off to my work for NBC and global fundraising.

Secondly, I’d like to point out that Chelsea Clinton could order a medium-sized tepid water seven days a week and she’d still be one of the world’s most fascinating people. In fact, I’ve never even heard of a Black Eye, but I’m scared of it already. Anyone powering up with that much caffeine has a busy day ahead. Unlike me, who will remain in my jams till around noon when I have to wrap a toy for a birthday party. Chelsea Clinton is Doing Things. Chelsea Clinton is Going Places. Chelsea Clinton is drinking liquid rocket fuel so she can solve the world’s problems and slay dragons and create a better place for you and for me. (Heal the world we live in, Chelsea!)

Wildly fascinating facts about Chelsea Clinton:

1) She is a pure genetic mix of two of my favorite people, past President Bill Clinton and future President Hilary Clinton. PRESIDENTIAL.

2) She serves on the board of the School of American Ballet AND Shakespeare Company. ARTY.

3) Her name was inspired by London’s Chelsea neighborhood. GLOBAL.

4) She skipped the third grade AND was born three weeks early. GO GETTER. Also, associated with the magical number three. Ask anyone*.

5) Her secret service code name during her years in the White House was Energy. How you like that “boring” Black Eye beverage, now Starbucks Guy? Huh? ENERGETIC.

6.) She met her husband on a family vacation on Hilton Head Island. I went there once and did not see her. Boo. CHELSEA CALL ME.

Like her Starbucks order, Chelsea Clinton is uncomplicated, highly-charged and memorable. Let me be the first to say it. Chelsea Clinton 2024.


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Chelsea feeds the elephants milk – another simple drink order!

*Superstitious triathletes, wiccan third wives


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