Archive for February 2013

Wine v. Pot: The Perennial Debate (Oh, and Wine Totally Wins)

Heyyyy potheads! Try to pull yourself away from your Salividor Dali paintings and Magic Eye books and rap with me. Why do you mess around with that stinky lung fog when you could be enjoying a nice, tasty, legal glass of wine? I am so confused by you! Smoke is gross. Besides, unless you’re a... Read more »

A Love Story As Told In Bitstrips Cartoons

It was my first day at my new job selling cars. Niko was my boss. Oh, and he hated me. At least it felt like he hated me because he didn't crack a smile. He didn't even check me out and I was not too shabby in 2005. It turns out he's just very fair and professional. Imagine! (Niko tells this story as he was overwhelmed being surprised with a new employee.)
Every friend of mine in a new relationship after 2008 gets embarrassed when I ask how they met their boyfriend/fiancé/sugardaddy . They always give that look they give to their dentist when he asks if they floss. “Internet”.  Well, duh. Answering that you met on the internet is like saying that’s where you got your shirt.... Read more »

How To Be A Hotel Snob: Don't Put Up With Blood Everywhere

[Flashback waves] We’re in a pirate-themed hotel off highway 231 and I have two freshly-bathed, water-parked-out kids, one on my hip, one clinging to my leg. I peel back the industrial beige comforter. It is 10:06 PM. Slow horror flushes my face when it becomes clear this bed comes with a surprise: a stranger’s dried... Read more »

28 Unusual Road Signs From Chicago To Kentucky

I think he means your no-no hole. Lookout!
Vacations are not fun for the mom. It’s just different kind of work. Instead of laundry and cooking, we have schlepping and herding and we have to make sure everyone is dressed and slathered in sunscreen while we do it. This weekend my family road tripped to the Kentucky border to see my darling little... Read more »

Kissing: The Marijuana Of Sex

I assume part of my wedding vows, though I don’t recall the priest explicitly saying it, surely implied Thou Shalt Not Make Out With Other Dudes. In that regard, kissing is a huge deal. I’d never kiss a guy who wasn’t my husband. Likewise, if I ever caught my husband kissing another lady, I’d spray him... Read more »

Benjamin Moore's 9 Worst Paint Color Names

"Lambskin" - coordinates great with "Latex" and "Lube" for that really sexxy skin-colored home you're decorating.
So, I’ve been trying to figure out how to paint my new living room. I’ve been obsessed with finding the exact best color and naturally, I consulted Facebook. Every time I put a sample on the wall, I ask the internet’s opinion and three people will like it followed by two people who say it looks... Read more »

People Of The Chicago Auto Show - 2013 First Look For Charity

The annual First Look For Charity at the Chicago Auto Show was last night, or as we refer to it in my house, “Industry Prom”. We go every year and it’s always fun to run into people we know and even make new friends. We had so much fun last night. So much, in fact,... Read more »

Christopher Dorner On Gun Control: The Sad, Ironic Truth In His Manifesto

The man hunt is still on for cop-killer Christopher Dorner who wrote this bizarre manifesto before hunting and murdering his foes and their families in Los Angeles. He’s on the loose and you know what? If it weren’t for the atrocious, coldblooded murdering he wouldn’t be such an unreasonable guy, especially when it comes to gun... Read more »

ZOMG! Britney Spears! Las Vegas! She's Going To Vegas! I'm Going To Vegas!

AHHHHHHH! You guys! Seriously, ahhhhhhh!  I had to get that out. And while I did, I stubbed my toe on the couch, but it was worth it because Britney Spears is headlining in Vegas! Which means I’m going to Vegas, obvs. The deal is in “final negotiations” and insiders would be “shocked if it didn’t... Read more »

Audi Super Bowl Ad: Not Sexual Assault, Quit Being Offended Internet

I consider myself a pretty liberal person. I write feminist things and piss off conservatives. I also stuffed my face with nachos and watched the Super Bowl with half all of America last night. We all cringed through the nasty GoDaddy ad with the suck-face noises strangely cranked up on high. At least, everyone in... Read more »