Archive for January 2013

The Most Offensive Wallpaper In The World

I like pink. I festoon pretty much everything I can in pink sparkles –  my nails, my cell phone, my Hello Kitty vajazzle*. You may recall I have a pink wig. Sometimes I wish I was a demure woman who outfitted her life in ecru and putty and other classy, adult colors from the Pottery... Read more »

Mommy Blogs: The Marketing Of Self-Hate

Clear a path. The opinion volcano that is about to pour out of me is not predictable. I’m like a feminist lawn sprinkler over here, flaming bras and Sylvia Plath novels just shooting out of me into the sidewalk. Harmless, to be sure, but on. Look. I’ve had it with the parenting blogs of the... Read more »

How Gross Is The Gym?

Just a warning, I’m going to bitch for a moment about some housewife problems. If you were looking for a story about the Russian evacuation from Syria, click on over to your smart blogs because this mama has an itch in her britch about the health club. Roll up your yoga mat, we’re going in!... Read more »

Dads Freak Out About Taking Teen Babysitters Home

WHO! LET! THE! DADS! OUT! woof, woof. We were at an adults-only birthday party last night so naturally all the parents were there courtesy of a babysitter. Near the end of the night, a few dads gathered their coats and lamented the dreaded task ahead: taking the babysitter home. “What is the big deal?” I asked.... Read more »

Mom Ego: We're All Being Catfished

A curiously familiar guest was on Dr. Phil yesterday, a platinum blonde “victim of slut-shaming”. Her husband or boyfriend or whoever was on there saying he didn’t like her sexxxy actions on the Internet. Cut to a few pics of her making duck faces and then back to her saying how sad it made her... Read more »

Obama Gun Control: Pretty Kids = Finally Talking About Guns

It takes a hardboiled messenger to tell an unwitting person they came out of a crotch. “Oh . . . how did you get out of mommy’s tummy? Babies come out of vaginas,” doesn’t seem like a polite thing to say to my curious four-year-old, but I said it because it’s the truth. As Al... Read more »

Call To Arms: Have You Been Burned By A Moms' Group?

A few weeks ago I received a dagger to my white trash heart when I was rejected by the Moms Of The North Shore meet-up group. I can’t say it stung since I never interacted with a single human soul (either the generic profile pic I use across all social media was deemed too scary... Read more »

Jodie Foster's Golden Globes Speech: The Bullet Points

It started off being the bees’ knees. There was Jodie Foster, called up to accept her Cecil B. DeMille award. She saunters up and sort of overworks an “I’m Fifty” joke and then builds up to what was sure to be a monumental moment in television history. Wait for it! [Pan to her mortified kids]... Read more »

How To Be A Lady Comic And Still Like Yourself

Allow me to stroke my long, white beard and tell you a story from 2003 when I spent about five minutes in the Chicago stand-up comic scene. It’s 3:00AM. The bar has no music. The room is 90% men wearing ironic t-shirts over blazers (a uniform I adopted, for unexplained reasons). Man after man takes... Read more »

I Love When Real Families Make Rap Videos

Do people not drive cars anymore? I pulled up to the pick-up line at preschool yesterday and there wasn’t a single, actual car. They were all SUVs, crossovers and the occasional van. Come on, 67 vehicles in the lot and every last one of us needs off-road capability? Let me tell you the most rugged... Read more »