Archive for December 2012

Adult ideas for the Elf on the Shelf

Look what that naughty Elf got up to! He's poor this year (the economy!!!) so he made meth in your bath tub out of your garden fertilizer and cough medicine. Uh, oh. Elf is the poster child for . . .
Our perennial foe, The Elf, is back. This year he didn’t “arrive” until St. Nick’s Day and if I were smart, I wouldn’t trot him out until a week before Christmas. Last year I was a real gung-ho idiot to introduce him the day after Thanksgiving. That was like 28 days of near-misses, forgetfulness, Elf-hiding-equivalent-of-writer’s... Read more »

Road puke is no match for a German

I smell peanut butter. Do you smell peanut butter? It was a dark and stormy night. Last Saturday night, to be exact, and rain was raging down onto highway 74 through Indianapolis when I heard a muffled BLRUUPPGH coming from the kid sleeping in her car seat behind me. Oh God, Niko she’s barfing! Pull... Read more »

Google search terms of pedophiles

“tween sluts” “sexy children” “Masturbating to Toddlers and Tiaras” “uncut boys” No, these are not musical numbers showcased in Coed Prison Sluts. They are search terms that have directed unwitting deviants to parenting blogs on ChicagoNow. We mommy bloggers fierce maternal writers of the Internet persuasion receive daily reports regarding the statistics of our blogs,... Read more »

Seven Deadly Sins: Greed - "China ain't your boyfriend"

Do you guys play Risk? The board game for power-hungry nerds? I had the best apartment in college. Somehow my roommates and I found this two-story, new-seeming apartmentĀ a mile from campus for like $120 in rent. Sure, it was all drywall and hard carpet, but it was new and impressed us, kind of like the... Read more »

Best Buddies Gala + cellphone pic of a chandelier on Niko's head

“You must be Mrs. Niko!” “How did you know that’s what my vanity plate says!” And with that welcome, we kicked off our evening at the seventh annual Best Buddies Illinois Gala hosted at the ballroom of the Four Seasons last night. It was one of those nights where my jokes were all working out... Read more »