Dear Sir or Madam,
Behind the scenes here at Chicago Now we’ve had some discussion about the atrophying skills of a stay-at-home-mom and what that does to her economic status. Also, someone said I lived in a golden cage, which is flattering since my real house has 60’s wood paneling and my floors are usually covered in Triscuit crumbs and Dora stickers. Sure, it’s not a glamorous position and the pay is crap (unless you count indentured servitude as high-rolling) but the job is worth having. So here is my resume. Please hire?
Name: Jenna Karvunidis a.k.a. “Mama”
Objective: To wrestle the pants on small people, accomplish at least 300 calories ingested per tummy, per day and not become an alcoholic
Pregnant lady, March 2008 – December 2008:
– Gained half my body weight
– Learned to barf out a moving car window and in a plane bathroom that I had to back into like a Mack truck (Beep. Beep. Beep.)
– Triumphed over immobilizing anxiety about stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS and people asking me about my breasts
Special accolade: I pushed for three f’ing hours and had to have my vagina cauterized with a laser, unmedicated, six weeks after delivery to repair internal damage. BONUS: I am somehow anatomically normal!
December 2008- Present, Bee’s mom
– Answer hourly questions such as, “how are eyeballs made?” and “do fish get married?”
– Eat CostCo samples and wear drug store make-up in order to afford dance lessons for 35 minutes a week where all they do is
lay on the floor because the teacher has a hangover play “Sleeping Beauty”
– Can undo a Chinese knot in under a minute after years of practice on long toddler hair
February 2011- Present, Bee and Stell’s mom
– Able to churn out two loads of laundry a day because I am a cloth diapering martyr. Look for me in my halo on my sarcophagus.
– Scramble eggs with the finesse of a short order cook because Stella eats like a man and poops like horse
– Able to carry two flailing, angry bodies out of any store, anytime. Just try me, missy.
– Went to college, HAHAHAH! It’s that hilarious?!
– Dora (Can you say “Mariposa”? In English we say Butterfly!)
– Arm wrestling like a champ thanks to my stroller-pushing biceps
– Able to repair the ego blow of having $0 salary with booze and forgiving yoga pants
– Kind of The Stuff when it comes to boo-boos
Attached, please find this example of my momphotography skills.
If you liked it, share it and come talk smack with me on Facebook.
Filed under: Momenomics