Crap, the crib is empty.

It’s official. I don’t have a baby any more. Stella got her chunky toddler leg stuck in a crib slat today, so she’s headed for Bee’s mini bed tonight and Bee herself is moving into the guest room. Here they are celebrating their new status as Big Girls Supreme:


Everything seemed so urgent in 2007. I met Niko, we had a whirlwind courtship (that’s genteel talk for moving in together on the first date) and bam, bam, bam, life events. We went house shopping after six months of knowing each other. We busied ourselves into a frenzy remodeling and wedding planning and then the second we signed our marriage certificate, we hurled right into babymaking. That baby was about an hour old and we decided to make another baby and I kid you not, when I was on the delivery table with my second child in a moment of sheer agony in the final stretch, the nurse on my left said, “so, are you going for a third?” It’s like my life events have been on a speed date.

Here we are celebrating five years of marriage in the throughly modern way, ironic photography:

Gloss Photography

Now all of a sudden, with the house quiet and no one in a crib, the weight of not having a baby is settling in. Sure, Stella’s the exact same toddler she was this morning and I could put her back in that crib tomorrow but we all know in life there is no going back. I’ve now married the man I was going to marry. I’ve now had the kids I was going to have. And for all the joy and perfection my life has turned out to be, the fact is, those boxes are checked and I’m left with the feeling of “what was the rush?”

Don’t get me wrong, I love every square inch of my marriage and my family. I’m glad what happened happened. The feeling of “where did time go?” is just a product of a busy life. The fact is there’s no slowing time down or speeding it up. We all get the same minutes and we have to seize opportunities to create lives for ourselves. But damn, what was the rush in getting Stella out of that crib? I miss that snuggly little newborn safely snoozing in my arms. I miss Bianca at that age. I miss dating my husband with no curfews or babysitting fees to worry about. I’ll tell myself it’s a sign of a life well lived if you miss all your memories.

I’m not sure I’m ready to take down the crib just yet though. We’re on the market and the nursery looks pretty cute all assembled. And apparently there aren’t enough kids being born to stabilize the U.S. population. Having another baby would practically be a service to humanity!! Right? If it weren’t for the agony of childbirth, a year of sleeplessness, teething and that three year period of policing choking hazards, I’d probably run this racket another round.

Meh, reflection is a luxury of idleness. I’m sure someone in this house will scream at any moment. This baby shop is hereby closed. CRY.


Filed under: Dear diary, My precious

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